By Rebekah Engen, Patient Services Specialist, Dakota Family Services
I love to travel. While it’s always fun traveling with a friend, several years ago, I realized that waiting for someone else to have the time or money to travel was holding me back from growing and experiencing what the world has to offer. I decided to try solo traveling. I knew it would require me stepping out of my comfort zone, but I felt the regret of not doing it would be greater than taking on the challenge.
I recently returned from a solo trip to Germany where I experienced a few challenges created by a language barrier. English is widely spoken in Germany, but when you visit smaller cities or villages in a non-English speaking country you are bound to run into someone you will not be able to understand. I was hiking near the Black Forest and made a wrong turn on the path. I asked a local for directions and while we didn’t share a common language, we were able to communicate by drawing directions and making trail symbols in the dirt. I made my way back to the trail.
Trying new things, especially on your own, might seem daunting, but it can also lead to rewarding adventures. Claiming your independence can build your courage, strengthen your resilience, and help you get to know yourself better.
The path to self-reliance is rarely clear-cut so how do you get started? I visited with Racheal Stroh, therapist at Dakota Family Services, Fargo, ND, to get answers to the questions you might ask as you work towards autonomy and independence.
How do you find the confidence to do things on your own?
Racheal: I like to say, “Commit to the bit and fake it until you make it.” I struggled with this myself—thinking about doing something on my own made me extremely anxious. I began to build my confidence by starting off small. When I was in college, I wanted to study at coffee shops in downtown Fargo without feeling like people were judging me because I was alone. My small first step was to go into the coffee shop, order coffee to go, and sit alone at a table for just five minutes. When I could do that confidently, I started bringing my computer and homework and staying for 20 minutes. After faking confidence for five minutes, then 20 minutes, I started feeling confident, and eventually was able to stay until I finished my homework.
As a mental health therapist, I use these same skills to help clients. In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, you learn several coping skills and I used two of them, opposite action and building mastery, to help me build the confidence and courage to do things on my own.
Opposite Action: Identify the emotion that is getting in your way. For me it was fear. Once I recognized that, I identified my fallback action as leaving right after I got my coffee. My opposite action was to stay for five more minutes. I also intentionally changed my posture and facial expressions in ways that displayed confidence and told myself I was not afraid to do things on my own. The more times you practice the opposite action, the more you will believe it is true, and then it will become true.
Building Mastery: In this skill, you start by identifying your overall goal. Back to my example, the goal was to go to a local coffee shop to study and do my homework. If I had attempted this on my first try, I would have likely failed and not tried again. To build mastery, take steps that are difficult but achievable. In my coffee shop example, I started with five minutes and continued adding time until I was able to reach my goal of staying at the coffee shop until I finished studying.
How do you manage self-doubt?
Racheal: If you pay attention, you’ll notice that most doubt includes a “should” statement, like “I should exercise more,” or “I should be confident enough to try things on my own.” Try to reframe "should” as “will” or “could.” For example, reframe “I should exercise more,” to “I could exercise more” or “I will make an exercise plan.” Telling yourself you should be able to do something adds unnecessary pressure.
How do you overcome setbacks?
Racheal: Setbacks are a fact of life. They do not equal failure or mean you will never accomplish your goals. Practice “radical acceptance,” a term was coined by psychologist Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Radical acceptance is the practice of acknowledging pain rather than fighting it and focusing on what you can control versus what you cannot. You don’t have to like what happened—just accept it.
How do I field questions from people who think doing something on my own is dangerous or embarrassing?
Racheal: When you see other people traveling, eating out, or going to movies on their own, do you give it much of a thought? If you don’t, it’s likely others aren’t giving much thought as to why you are alone. They might even be impressed by your confidence. If someone thinks you should be embarrassed by your solo adventures, ask them why. What is embarrassing about it? Their concerns are likely much more about them than they are about you.
Danger is a valid concern, but one you can mitigate by planning. If you are traveling alone, double-check the reviews to ensure you book hotels in safe neighborhoods. Park in well-lit areas and carry pepper spray. Then, reassure your concerned friend or acquaintance by sharing your safety precautions.
Concerns about danger and embarrassment both result from anxiety. While anxiety protects and alerts us, it can direct our thoughts to the worst-case scenario. Ask yourself the chances of this happening and if it does, what that means.
In your journey towards independence, you will learn that your steps, no matter how small, will build your confidence and help you master the art of self-empowerment. The techniques of opposite action, radical acceptance, and building mastery will guide you through fear, doubt, and real or imagined judgment from others.
Independence isn’t an endpoint but a continuous journey where every coffee shop, every solo movie ticket, and every unanswered “should” is a testament to your resilience and a step toward your potential.
Psychology Today. Dialectical Behavior Therapy, www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/dialectical-behavior-therapy