“You make me so angry.” “I feel unheard.” “You don’t appreciate me.”
These are common phrases I hear from couples (or any two people in a relationship). Miscommunication, misunderstanding, invalidation, judgement, and all-around poor communication are universal relationship issues. The inability to communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs without blame, shame, or guilt, will ultimately affect not only each person in the relationship, but the relationship as a whole. If you are struggling to communicate with your partner, the following six tips, used consistently and mindfully, can help.
- Give Your Full Attention
While it is ideal to give someone our undivided attention, life is full of moments when distractions are inevitable, such as phone notifications or environmental factors. A common misconception is that full attention is only possible in a perfectly quiet, distraction-free environment. These environments rarely exist, but you can minimize distractions and consciously focus on your partner, even if the situation is not perfectly controlled.
If your partner perceives that your attention is divided, they might feel irritable and unheard. The next time your partner wants to have a conversation or is discussing something important to them, consider the following:
- Put away distractions (TV, phones, laptop, video games, etc.)
- Show you are paying attention through your body language (nodding, leaning toward them, etc.)
- Make eye contact
Some of these tips might seem obvious, but a 2020 survey by the American Psychological Association revealed that 38% of couples cited distractions (including phones, work, or personal thoughts) as a source of strain in their relationships. In general, the distractions that are so much a part of our lives can cause your partner to feel less connected, valued, and understood, which may escalate into larger relationship problems.
- Mirroring Back
Most of us have heard about active listening, yet we continue to struggle with the concept.
Think back to when you last talked to your partner. Do you remember exactly what you said? Do you remember how your partner may have felt? Did you empathize with them? Did you ask questions for clarification?
If you are struggling to remember, odds are that you were anticipating your next words rather than listening to theirs. To actively listen means to be present and mindful of the other person’s story. There is a good chance they were telling you everything you needed to know to communicate effectively with them, but you were too busy thinking about what you wanted to say next. To help with this, try practicing the communication skill of “mirroring back.”
Mirroring back is rephrasing or summarizing what your partner says. This shows that you understand them, gives them an opportunity to correct any possible misunderstandings, and allows them to confirm if you heard them correctly. Start with something like the following, and fill in the blanks.
“So, what I am hearing you say is...”
“I hear you saying...”
Mirroring back helps your partner feel heard and understood and can help you avoid miscommunication and future frustrations. It is also a great way to build a connection and create opportunities for your partner to do the same for you.
- Do Not Interrupt
Think back to the last time someone interrupted you while you were speaking. How did you feel? What did you think? You probably felt irritated, disrespected, or embarrassed. You may have even thought, “This person is so rude,” or “Who do they think they are?”
Now imagine you are the rude person interrupting your partner. Being interrupted is invalidating and can lead to arguments and yelling matches. Try to:
- Let your partner finish their thoughts before you respond.
- Be silent for a moment if your partner seems to be gathering their thoughts.
You will have the opportunity to say your piece and not interrupting shows your partner what you deserve as well.
- Validate and Empathize
Validation and empathy are two highly useful social and communication skills that can help you and your partner feel important, respected, cared for, and loved. Validation is when you affirm someone’s feelings or perspective. For example, if your partner comes home after a long and stressful work day, they may say, “Ugh! I feel so exhausted.” To validate them, you would say something like, “It makes sense you feel that way because…”
Empathy, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes to understand their feelings and perspectives, is a useful way of connecting in any relationship. If your partner struggles to identify their feelings or believes “you couldn’t understand them,” you might say something like, “I imagine you feel…”
You don’t have to agree with your partner to empathize and validate them. You can disagree or have your own personal thoughts and feelings about a situation and still respect the other person’s perspective.
- Use “I” Statements
Whether caught up in the heat of an argument or calmly talking with your partner, it can be easy to let the moment get away from you and slip in a “you” statement. “You make me so mad; I cannot believe you would cancel on me.” Consciously or unconsciously, people often use language that makes the other person feel attacked or judged. To avoid this, try using “I” statements, like, “I feel upset and disappointed when we make plans, and they are canceled last minute.”
Do you notice the difference? “I” or “I feel” statements are a simple and effective alteration that can make a major difference in your communication and ultimately, your relationship.
- Getting what you need: 3 F’s
We all have things we need from a relationship, and it can be difficult to communicate those needs in a way that is true to your desires and respectful of your partner. The 3 F’s: Facts, Feelings, and Fair Request, trick might be helpful.
Some people make decisions by first considering the facts, data, and evidence. Others are more emotional, primarily making decisions based on their opinions, values, and emotions. Neither is “better or worse,” however, it’s best to work towards a combination of the two. Consider the following example:
F1= Facts
“On Tuesday, we made plans for Saturday night, and now you are asking if we can cancel so you can see your friends.”
F2= Feelings
“This makes me feel upset and unimportant.”
F3= Fair Request
“In the future, I would appreciate some validation that I am important to you. When you need to change our plans, can we reschedule rather than cancel?”
In this example, the individual used a combination of logic and emotion in communicating their needs to their partner by communicating the facts, sharing their feelings, and making a fair request. As you practice the three F’s, keep in mind these three things.
- You will not always get what you want. If you want $2 million, your partner can’t realistically give that to you.
- Fair requests can be negotiated, so be prepared to compromise or find a completely different option that works for both of you.
- People are more willing to do something if there is something in it for them. Try to think of ways you and your partner can both get what you want.
Fostering a deeper connection
Remember, communication is not about winning an argument or making your partner concede to your point of view, but about fostering a deeper connection and understanding between you. Consistent practice of these tools will not only improve your interactions with your partner but set the foundation for a resilient and fulfilling relationship.