We all have one of four attachment styles that determine how we form emotional bonds and interact in relationships with friends, family, coworkers, partners, and ourselves. Our attachment style develops based on early experiences with caregivers and it evolves as we grow and develop. Learning your attachment style can help you make sense of your behavior so you can communicate and interact more effectively in your relationship with others.
What are the four attachment styles?
The four attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—are described below, along with examples of how they might show up in your relationships.
- Secure Attachment
- I am comfortable with intimacy and independence.
- I trust others and communicate openly.
- I can regulate my emotions and ask for help when I need it.
Example: Tiana and Jaden have a strong, trusting relationship. When Jaden has a stressful day at work, they tell Tiana, and Tiana listens without judgment. They openly communicate their needs, resolve conflicts calmly, and feel comfortable spending time apart without feeling insecure.
- Anxious Attachment (Preoccupied)
- I crave closeness but fear abandonment.
- I often seek reassurance and can be overly dependent on others.
- I am sensitive to my partner’s actions and emotions.
Example: Sam constantly worries that their partner, Mikayla, is losing interest in them. If Mikayla takes too long to text back, Sam panics, assuming the worst. Sam often seeks reassurance by asking, "Do you still love me?" and may become overly emotional if they sense any distance.
- Avoidant Attachment (Dismissive)
- Values independence over intimacy.
- May avoid emotional closeness and struggle with expressing feelings.
- Often suppresses emotions and dislikes relying on others.
Example: Ben enjoys spending time with his partner, Jordan, but whenever Jordan tries to discuss their future or express deep emotions, Ben pulls away. Ben avoids vulnerability, preferring to keep things light and casual. When conflict arises, Ben shuts down instead of talking it out.
- Disorganized Attachment (Fearful-Avoidant)
- Desires closeness but fears being hurt.
- Can be unpredictable, with conflicting behaviors in relationships.
- Often results from past trauma or inconsistent caregiving.
Example: Kyle wants to be close to their partner, Alex, but the moment Alex starts getting too emotionally close, Kyle panics and pushes them away. Kyle craves intimacy but also fears getting hurt, so he sends mixed signals—one day he is affectionate, the next he is distant and might start a fight out of nowhere.
How do attachment styles impact relationships?
Secure Attachment is the healthiest – People with secure attachment are more likely to form stable, trusting relationships, communicate well, and handle conflicts effectively.
Avoidant Attachment and independence – Avoidant individuals often value independence so much that they feel suffocated in close relationships, preferring to rely on themselves rather than others.
Anxious Attachment and reassurance-seeking – People with anxious attachment often fear abandonment and may need frequent reassurance from partners, sometimes leading to patterns of clinginess or emotional highs and lows.
Disorganized Attachment is the most complex – This style combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies, often stemming from childhood trauma or inconsistent caregiving. Having a disorganized attachment style makes relationships especially challenging.
Attachment styles can change – While formed early in life, attachment styles are not fixed. Therapy, self-awareness, and healthy relationships can help people move toward a more secure attachment.
Partners often have opposing styles – Anxious and avoidant individuals frequently attract each other, creating a "push-pull" dynamic where one seeks closeness and the other withdraws.
Attachment styles affect more than romance – Attachment styles influence friendships, workplace interactions, and even parenting styles.
Attachment can be context-dependent – A person may have a secure attachment in friendships but an anxious or avoidant style in romantic relationships, depending on past experiences.
How can I shift to a secure attachment style?
Shifting toward a secure attachment style is possible with self-awareness, intentional effort, and sometimes therapy. It starts by discovering your current attachment style. Ask yourself these questions.
- Do I fear abandonment (anxious) or feel suffocated by closeness (avoidant)?
- Do I have mixed feelings about intimacy (disorganized)?
Once you have discovered your attachment style, you can challenge it and work towards shifting to secure attachment.
- Challenge Negative Thought Patterns
- If you tend to catastrophize (e.g., “They didn’t text back; they must not love me”), pause and reframe your thoughts.
- Remind yourself that one event does not define the relationship.
- Communicate Openly and Honestly
- Express your needs clearly instead of assuming your partner should "just know."
- Practice active listening—validate your partner’s feelings instead of reacting defensively.
- Learn to Self-Soothe and Regulate Emotions
- If you feel anxious or triggered, try deep breathing, journaling, or mindfulness before reacting.
- Secure people don’t rely solely on their partner for emotional stability, they cultivate it within themselves.
- Set and Respect Boundaries
- If you're avoidant, practice allowing closeness without withdrawing.
- If you're anxious, respect your partner's space without assuming the worst.
- Healthy relationships have a balance of independence and intimacy.
- Surround Yourself with Secure People
- People with secure attachment model healthy relationship behaviors—trust, stability, and communication.
- If your partner is securely attached, observe how they handle stress and connection.
- Work on Your Self-Worth
- People with secure attachment believe they are worthy of love and connection.
- Practice affirmations, therapy, or self-reflection to build a strong sense of self.
- Therapy Can Help
- If deep-rooted trauma or past relationships impact your attachment style, consider seeing a therapist. Therapy can provide valuable tools to heal and rewire your relational patterns.
- Take Small Steps in Relationships
- If you’re avoidant, practice being more emotionally open.
- If you’re anxious, try not to seek constant reassurance—build internal security instead.
Attachment styles are primarily developed in early childhood and further shaped by later relationships and experiences. If you want to change your attachment style, be patient with yourself. Attachment healing is a journey, not an overnight change.
Grace Becker is a Licensed Master Social Worker. She provides individual therapy for adolescents and adults, as well as couples and family therapy, at Dakota Family Services, Fargo.
Grace is a compassionate therapist who uses creativity and passion in every approach. She believes it is important to meet clients where they are in their journey and to create a safe and inclusive space. She specializes in individual, couples, and family therapy—helping people with trauma, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia/psychotic disorders, depression, anxiety, communication issues, relational discord, and more.
Grace earned a bachelor’s degree in social work and a master’s degree in social work with a multi-cultural emphasis from Minnesota State University Moorhead. She is certified in Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavior Therapy (TF-CBT) to assist individuals who have experienced trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
When Grace is not at work, she enjoys spending time in nature, venturing out to local bookstores and coffee shops, and spending time with her family and two adorable cats.