Coping with Rejection
Episode Description
Whether it’s from asking someone on a date or applying for a job, we all experience rejection at some point in our lives. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with therapist April Morris about how to cope with rejection, including the common coping stages, the importance of acceptance, and how rejection can impact people differently.What to Expect
- Why rejection hurts
- Real vs perceived rejection
- How to find support
Resources: Learn More
- “7 Tips on How to Deal With Rejection,” by Erin Eatough, PhD
- “Rejection Proof: How I Beat Fear and Became Invincible Through 100 Days of Rejection,” by Jia Jiang
- “How to Overcome Low Self-Esteem (For Teens),” by Dakota Family Services
Things to Think About
- Try to avoid grouping multiple rejections together, as this can lead to distorted self-perceptions of inadequacy.
- While many of us are afraid of rejection, it’s important to take risks for things we care about, even if we may be rejected afterwards.
About the Hosts
April Morris provides therapy for adolescents and adults. She enjoys working with clients from all walks of life, and is honored to join them on their mental health journey and help them build skills to adapt to life challenges. She loves building relationships with people and is dedicated to helping them become their best selves.
Transcript
Coping with Rejection
Featuring April Morris, LCSW, Dakota Family Services
Tim Unsinn:
Welcome to Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services, an outpatient behavioral health clinic located in Minot, Bismarck, and Fargo, North Dakota. In this podcast, I will talk with our experts about understanding and nurturing our mental health and wellness. I'm your host, Tim Unsinn. Join me each episode as we explore the intricacies of our minds, decrease the stigma of mental illness, learn practical tips for managing our mental health and wellbeing, and recognize when it's time to ask for help. Join me now to mind your mind. Welcome to this episode of Mind Your Mind. Our guest is April Morris. April is an outpatient therapist in Fargo and provides therapy for those over 12, primarily adults. April, great to have you on Mind Your Mind. Our topic is coping with rejection, something that many of us know a lot about. So we're gonna talk about that today. But before we get to the topic, why do you do what you do?
April Morris:
I just think I love being part of people's experiences, whether they are the positives or the challenges and there's just something very rewarding supporting people.
Tim Unsinn:
Love that. Everybody that's a part of the Mind Your Mind podcast, I love all the answers of why you're doing what you do. It just, it's about helping people. It's about making life better for those around you. So appreciate that. Alright, our topic is coping with rejection and I guess first thing up is, is why does it hurt?
April Morris:
Yeah. I think that's sometimes a question for everybody. Why does it hurt so bad and how does it actually feel? Neurologically they aren't seeing a difference on an MRI between physical and emotional pain. They've been doing a lot of studies recently in the psychology community on this and looking more at it being a range of pain between the two topics because it's being found that it's the same area of the brain that's actually processing the information. So I think that's really kind of cool to think about. There's also the piece that looks at evolution. So looking at acceptance and belonging. The idea is if we didn't belong to a tribe or a pack, right, that was connected to our survival and our ability to procreate. So it is hardwired to try to fit in when it comes to evolution.
Tim Unsinn:
So it's against what nature has provided. So we're kind of fighting against that we should fit in and if we don't oh, our brain's like, alert! Alert!
April Morris:
Yes. Then our brain sends an alert. But sometimes, you know, those alerts can, alerts can be off. But yes, essentially that's kind of the basic of why we chemically feel the way we feel.
Tim Unsinn:
So would that be different between introverts and extroverts? Is there a difference there or is it pretty much the same?
April Morris:
I think that could trigger some bigger fears of rejection if you're an introverted person worrying about if you are being accepted. I think there could be some connection there. That's a good question.
Tim Unsinn:
Alright. Great, 'cause I'm an introvert and <laugh>, I'm good with rejection because that means I'm away from people, but that's just me. <Laugh>. So, talking about hurting now, there are stages, different stages of rejection. What are the five stages?
April Morris:
Yeah, I think when people think about the similarities to grief and loss stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And I think what can happen too is the intensity of the rejection or the type of relationship or rejection may determine how long people end up in these different stages. Just the same as any other loss. The connection of closeness might change that variability. I think it's interesting too to also keep in mind rejection can be real or perceived. Sometimes we perceive rejection and that's not always accurate.
Tim Unsinn:
Does that have to do with their self-confidence? Maybe a little bit that we're just not confident, so everything is negative toward us.
April Morris:
It can be, yeah, I think about people too that have just anxiety and have a heightened worry about what people think. I think about rejection sensitivity dysphoria is actually a part of ADHD when you look at people that have just a higher sensitive radar to emotions and higher sensitivity to rejection specifically. And then often we find more people pleasing and things that kind of come along with that. But that actually is something that a lot of people are talking about that rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It's kind of one of those new hot topics I guess you could say that is connected to ADHD. Some other things I guess I'd wanna mention as well is just, you know, with these regulating emotion challenges and you look at rejection, there's some other diagnoses that I think are worth noting besides ADHD.
April Morris:
So even PTSD, anxiety, autism, Borderline Personality Disorder, a lot of those diagnoses have challenges regulating emotions, which then again, if it feels just as strong as physical pain when we get rejected, that's a lot to regulate and manage. So just when people look at mental health conditions, that might also exemplify that even larger than a typical person and situation where we do all experience rejection as well. I also think it's worth noting that when you look at repeated rejection, that's when we can really get into some of those cognitive distortions about, you know, believing overall we're inadequate if we're, if we are getting multiple rejections and we're-- this is us, versus being able to acknowledge a mistake and moving forward or maybe just not being a fit with a particular person for a friendship. And people can start to really get big distortions when they connect all of those rejections together, if you will.
Tim Unsinn:
You're listening to Mind Your Mind, our guest is April Morris. And we're talking about coping with rejection. We talked about why it hurts. We talked about the stages of rejection. Well, how do I cope with rejection when it happens?
April Morris:
Yes. That's the big question, right? So first we always have to keep in mind rejection is a part of life in theory. We don't want to avoid it. Not that we're seeking it out, but it goes along the lines of taking risks, right? When people try to anticipate rejection, maybe they don't take risks like applying for that promotion or new job or asking somebody out that you wanna go on a date with. So there is always going to be a potential of rejection with risks, and to really live life to the fullest we shouldn't avoid it.
Tim Unsinn:
Really just being ready for it, dealing with it,
April Morris:
Yeah. Part of life, right? And so like I mentioned earlier, you know, coping is gonna depend on the rejection or the loss itself. Is it a short-term situation? Like I didn't get picked for that promotion or a long-term rejection where I think about like a romantic breakup after two years. So I think that is worth noting that that can make a difference on how you may cope or how intense it's gonna feel.
Tim Unsinn:
So does it matter where you're at? You talked about the stages and talked about where we're at in life, like PTSD and and ADHD and things like that. So does a small rejection impact people differently? I guess that's what I'm trying to ask.
April Morris:
Absolutely. That's a good question too. For example, borderline personality disorder and ADHD do have really strong emotional reactions that could be interpreted differently by somebody that has maybe a different brain chemistry. I think some other points when you're thinking about coping is it is really important to just identify the emotions and process them beyond the rejection. So am I disappointed that I didn't get picked for the soccer team? Am I sad that I lost a friendship? And really identify the emotion and process the emotion. What can happen is, you know, if we don't process those emotions, we can kind of be in denial. It didn't happen or it's fine, I'm fine. And then you don't really move through it in a healthy way. And we also wanna make sure, right, like that's where we're not going to put a bunch of rejection together, right?
April Morris:
When we process each one individually, they're less likely to string together to create a "I'm inadequate" versus just focusing on each situation. I also think about, you know, when we can look for opportunities of growth. If I've made a mistake, can I own it? Not ruminate on it, accept what happened. I think about if I stick with the applying for a promotion and maybe I didn't do my best with the interview, I can't change it. I have to accept that and look forward to where can I grow in my future, you know, applications and interview process and move forward.
Tim Unsinn:
Growth. I think that was, that's a big piece of what you're talking about.
April Morris:
Yes, absolutely. And then I think about having self-compassion, not letting the rejection define you, letting go of self blame, just kind of, again, that acceptance and not sitting in any denial. I think about focusing on your strengths and the healthy relationships you do have. So when you are feeling rejected, it can feel like all or nothing can be one of those distortions, right? This person doesn't like me so nobody likes me, but could I say, actually I can think of a couple good friendships or relationships I have and it's okay that I didn't match with this one person, right? That doesn't have to define me or my strengths if it's about applying for a job, you know, I didn't get that promotion or that job, but I think I have a lot of good qualities and I have gotten good jobs in the past. So can we try to focus on some of our positives?
Tim Unsinn:
I would say rejection, it's something that we all endure. Now the other question I have for you then, for those that have a harder time of going through the five stages, getting to the end, accepting, you know, and moving on. I have to think therapy fits in here somewhere?
April Morris:
Absolutely. You know, if you are struggling with managing your big emotions with rejection, absolutely think about individual therapy. Think about dialectical behavioral therapy skills groups. So for example, we have one for adolescents right now, but there are in our community adult DBT groups as well, and DBT would be a great therapy for people that are struggling with this because it really helps them re-engage their brain in the present moment with mindfulness. And then distress tolerance and emotion regulation, which I believe we might even have some podcasts on too. Those would be the next ones I would be checking out if I was in those positions. I also would mention, you know, the other things people might be trying on their own to manage those big emotions are of course journaling, seeking out support even just from your support system within friends and family, exercise we know has so many benefits physically and emotionally, and even crying. I like to tell people we can't avoid crying. Crying is our body's natural release. And just really taking that time to feel the emotions so you can move through those stages essentially of grief and loss with rejection.
Tim Unsinn:
Coping with rejection has been our topic on Mind Your Mind. Our guest has been April Morris, and April, so appreciate your insights and really bringing it together for us to really understand. And I know it's a deeper topic, a lot of things go into it, but thank you for making it understandable, <laugh>. So anyway, before we wrap up, the final thing I ask all of our guests and that is what do you do personally to mind your mind?
April Morris:
Besides doing the hobbies that we have, so for myself, it's going to the lake on the weekends in the summer or just spending time with family even in the winter time, but engaging in mindfulness even in those small moments where if I get a few minutes alone in a shower and I can, you know, go through my five senses and just kind of enjoy those senses for a few moments, that grounds me and really can help prepare and shape a day.
Tim Unsinn:
Thank you again. Thanks for sharing your time and talent with us here on Mind Your Mind.
April Morris:
Thank you.
Tim Unsinn:
Thank you for joining us for Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services. You can't have health without behavioral health. Remember to mind your mind. For more information, links to additional resources, contact information, and much more, go to Dakotafamilyservices.org.
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Though spirituality is often associated with religion, it can mean much more than simply attending religious services or praying. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and psychiatrist Dr. Wayne Martinsen define spirituality and discuss its relevance in daily life, touching on ways people experience, express, and cultivate spirituality. They also talk about the link between spirituality, religion and meaning in life.;
Setting Healthy & Realistic Goals
Setting goals is easy. Working towards them is hard. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with Dakota Family Services therapist Christy Wilkie about how to set healthy, realistic goals, as well as the importance of managing your expectations and staying persistent. Whether you’re starting an exercise routine, writing a book, trying a new diet, or building your career, keep these tips in mind when setting your next big goal.;
Facing Your Fears
Fear is powerful. It can cause us to avoid problems, people, and even opportunities in our life. But it can also be overcome. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn speaks with Falan Johnson, a therapist at Dakota Family Services, about the function of fear and how to face it. Learn where fear comes from, how to identify it, and how to calm down and build confidence when you’re feeling afraid.;
The Three R's: Regulate, Relate & Reason
In this episode of Mind Your Mind, our host Tim Unsinn talks with Dakota Family Services therapist Jessie Mertz about the “3 R’s”—Regulate, Relate, and Reason. They discuss what each term means, how they build upon each other, and how this approach can help you calm others who are experiencing distress.;
What is Schizophrenia?
Schizophrenia is a chronic, complex mental health disorder that affects around 1% of people in the United States. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and psychiatrist Dr. Wayne Martinsen discuss the symptoms and implications of schizophrenia, touching on its many effects on individual and family life. Learn about how schizophrenia is treated, how it affects physical health, when it tends to develop, and how it is perceived between cultures.;
How to Have a Conversation About Mental Health
Although the stigma surrounding mental health is gradually disappearing, it can still be tricky knowing how to talk about it. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and psychologist Megan Spencer explore how to have a conversation with someone about their mental health, including signs that you should talk to them, how to start the conversation, and some possible reactions to expect from the other person.;
The Benefits of Being Outside
Are you feeling cooped up indoors? Join host Tim Unsinn and therapist Lucas Mitzel in this episode of Mind Your Mind as they discuss the importance of getting outside on your mental health. Learn about the benefits of green and blue spaces, activities you can do while outside, and how being outside can help improve symptoms of different mental health diagnoses.;
Dealing With Burnout
In this episode of Mind Your Mind, Tim Unsinn talks with psychologist Dr. Hannah Baczynski about the signs of burnout, how to prevent it, and how to know if your burnout is related to general life stressors or a mental health disorder. They also talk about the difference between fatigue and burnout, as well as how to support yourself and alleviate burnout when you’re experiencing it.;
Living with Chronic Illness
Many of us know someone who has been diagnosed with a chronic illness, or have been diagnosed with one ourselves. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with therapist April Morris about how chronic illness can impact daily living and mental health, as well as how to seek support if you have been diagnosed with a chronic illness.;
Bipolar Disorder: Understanding the Highs and Lows
Although the term ‘bipolar’ is sometimes used as slang to describe someone who is moody or indecisive, true bipolar disorder is a complex and sometimes severe mental health disorder that affects the way a person thinks, feels, and behaves. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn discusses bipolar disorder with nurse practitioner Amanda Daggett, touching on what the disorder is, what its symptoms look like, and how it can be treated.;
Social Media: Managing Emotions & Setting Boundaries
How much time do you spend each day looking at your phone? An hour or two? Multiple hours? In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn meets with therapist Christy Wilkie to discuss how social media use can impact our mental health, relationships, and behavior. Learn tips for monitoring your child’s internet use, as well as how to manage your own time spent on social media.;
Understanding OCD
While OCD is sometimes perceived as simply a desire to keep things neat and organized, it can actually have much more severe symptoms for those who experience it. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn meets with psychologist Dr. Megan Spencer to talk about who Obsessive Compulsive Disorder affects, what its signs and symptoms are, and how to seek help if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with OCD.;
Breaking Bad Habits
Bad habits can be easy to start but sometimes very difficult to stop. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and therapist Falan Johnson talk about breaking bad habits, including where habits come from, how to know if a habit is bad, and steps you can take to stop it.;
Finding a Therapist
Are you looking for some help on your mental health journey? In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and therapist Jessie Mertz talk about how to find a therapist, including what you should know when searching and what questions to ask when you meet a therapist for the first time. They also touch on what the letters after a therapist’s name mean, and how they apply to the type of services or treatment you might be looking for.;
Borderline Personality Disorder
Like other personality disorders, borderline personality disorder is a commonly misunderstood and stigmatized mental illness. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with Lucas Mitzel, a therapist at Dakota Family Services, about what BPD is, how it affects someone’s behavior, and where to seek treatment if your child has been diagnosed with BPD.;
Psychological Assessments: What to Expect
Do you think you might be suffering from an undiagnosed mental disorder? If so, a psychological assessment might be able to help. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, psychologist Dr. Hannah Baczynski and host Tim Unsinn talk about what to expect from a psychological assessment, including what an assessment might include, what information you might receive from the psychologist, and what you should communicate with your psychologist before and after receiving an assessment.;
Supplements in Psychiatry
In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and Amanda Daggett explore the topic of using supplements for mental health. In addition to talking about some of the most commonly used supplements like melatonin and St. John’s Wort, they also discuss the benefits, the risks, and the research surrounding various supplements.;
Seasonal Affective Disorder (Community Chat Series)
Feeling like you’ve got the winter blues? If you’re noticing symptoms of depression with the change of seasons, it may be a sign that you’re suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. In this special Community Chat episode of Mind Your Mind, therapists Christy Wilkie and Lucas Mitzel discuss the common symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, how it can affect other mental health disorders, and some useful tips, tricks, and resources for managing symptoms of SAD.;
Trying New Things With Confidence
Join Christy and Lucas, therapists at Dakota Family Services, as they share practical tips for building confidence when trying new things. From managing self-doubt to building resilience, this episode will empower you to approach new experiences with a positive mindset.;
Relationships are Hard
In this episode, Christy and Lucas explore why relationships can be so hard. Join them as they discuss the characteristics of both healthy and toxic relationships, talk about the difference between normal conflict and abuse, and help you discover your love languages so you and your partner can best express your love to each other.;
Is Everybody Anxious?
In this episode, Christy and Lucas explore anxiety. Join them as they discuss the signs and symptoms of an anxiety disorder, what you can do to decrease your anxiety, and how to best help loved ones struggling with anxiety.;
Is Everyone Feeling Sad
In this episode, Christy and Lucas explore depression. Join them as they discuss the signs and symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder, what you can do to help yourself feel better, and what you can do to help your loved ones. They will talk about coping strategies, therapy interventions, and ways to help you identify when your child might need extra help.;
Change is Hard
Change is inevitable. Join Christy and Lucas as they explore big and small changes and how they impact you. Learn why change can be so hard, even good change, and discover ways to manage it effectively.;
We Need to Talk About Suicide
In this episode of "Is It Just Me," Christy and Lucas discuss the very important topic of suicide. Listen to learn about risk factors, warning signs, and what you can do to help a loved one who is struggling. Remember, you are not alone. If you need immediate assistance, call 911. If you need to talk to someone, call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.;
Do We Need to Get Outside?
Join Lucas and Christy as they explore the power of spending time outdoors on mental and emotional well-being. Discover practical tips, personal anecdotes, and expert insights on the benefits of getting outside and reconnecting with nature.;
Exploring ADHD
In this episode of "Is It Just Me?" Lucas and Christy discuss ADHD, shedding light on its prevalence and impact on daily life. Learn practical strategies for managing symptoms and understand why your friend or loved one with ADHD does the things they do.;
Internet Safety and Mental Health
In this episode of "Is It Just Me?", join our hosts Christy and Lucas as they delve into the complex relationship between the internet and mental health. With the digital age bringing information and social connections to our fingertips, it also presents unique challenges and opportunities for our safety and psychological well-being.;
Boosting Self-Esteem: From Marathons to Daily Triumphs
In this episode of "Is It Just Me?", Christy and Lucas discuss how common it is for people to see themselves differently from others. Using their own personal triumphs and challenges as examples, they outline the things that shape our self-esteem. Additionally, they share simple daily practices to help listeners recognize and celebrate their own personal victories. This episode is filled with tips and engaging stories aimed at encouraging listeners to undertake challenges that foster self-growth and personal confidence.;
Therapy Unveiled: What to Know Before You Go
In this episode of "Is It Just Me," Lucas and Christy talk about what it's like to begin therapy. Feeling apprehensive about starting therapy is normal, but surmountable. Together, Lucas and Christy unravel common myths about therapy and emphasize the role of therapy in disrupting negative life patterns and routines that are no longer serving you.;
Coping with the Back-to-School Blues
In the latest episode of “Is It Just Me?” Christy and Lucas tackle the transition from leisurely summer days to structured school schedules with warmth and wisdom. This episode is a must-listen for parents seeking guidance and strategies to help navigate the shift with confidence. Learn how to handle changes in routine, the importance of communication, and strategies to help the entire family adjust to and embrace the new normal. Listening to this episode can be your first step toward making back-to-school a season of growth and positive change for all.;
The Art of Overcoming Trauma
In this month’s episode of the "Is It Just Me?" podcast, Lucas Mitzel and Christy Wilkie, Dakota Family Services, dive into the complexities of trauma and its therapy. The episode sheds light on Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) and the importance of creating a trauma narrative as a cornerstone of healing. The thoughtful discussions aim to educate listeners on the intricacies of trauma, the innovative methods used in therapy, and the role of caregivers in the recovery process. Through expert insights and compassionate storytelling, Lucas and Christy provide practical advice and real-world examples for individuals who have experienced trauma.;
Navigating Life Through Mindfulness
In this episode of “Is It Just Me?”, Lucas and Christy delve into the world of mindfulness and relaxation techniques. From body scans to mindfulness exercises, they provide a soothing experience to help you unwind and distress. Discover practical tips and advice on incorporating mindfulness into your daily routine and learn how to prioritize mental well-being in today's fast-paced world.;
Mindfulness: Body Scan
In this special additional episode of “Is It Just Me” join therapist Lucas Mitzel as he gives listeners a transformative journey within their own body and mind. In this episode, Lucas guides listeners through a soothing body scan to promote calm, mindfulness, and inner peace. This episode offers a unique mixdown of gentle narration, and relaxation techniques, leaving you feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and more connected to yourself.;
Beyond the Labels: Dismantling Myths About Mental Health
In this podcast episode of “Is It Just Me?” Lucas Mitzel and Christy Wilkie delve deep into the prevalent stigma and myths surrounding mental health. Through personal stories and insightful discussions, they aim to challenge misconceptions, break down barriers, and promote greater understanding and empathy towards people dealing with mental health challenges.;