How to Fit In While Staying True to Yourself
Episode Description
Humans are hardwired for social connection, but it can be difficult knowing where to fit in as unique individuals. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and therapist Christy Wilkie talk about the importance of using your strengths, interests, and relationships to figure out where you belong. They also touch on signs that you might not be staying true to yourself, as well as how to handle feelings of being left out.What to Expect
- The importance of knowing your interests
- How to manage feelings of being left out
- How to know if you’re not being true to yourself
Resources: Learn More
- "How to Be a Friend: A Guide to Making Friends and Keeping Them," by Laurie Krasny Brown & Marc Brown
- "Reasons to Stay Alive," by Matt Haig
Things to Think About
- Nobody is good at everything. Discovering your unique strengths can help you figure out who you are and where you best fit in.
- Focus on things that will make you better for yourself rather than better for other people.
About the Guest
Christy Wilkie provides therapy for children, adolescents, and young adults who have complex behavioral health issues. She combines her extensive clinical expertise with her belief in kids, and has a unique ability to find and develop their strengths. She works hard to be an ideal therapist for the clients she is working with and doing what is best to fit their needs. Christy typically provides cognitive behavioral therapy augmented with motivational interviewing and psychoeducation, but she is trained in other modalities as well.
Transcript
How to Fit In While Staying True to Yourself
Featuring Christy Wilkie, LCSW, Dakota Family Services
Host Tim Unsinn:
Welcome to Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services at outpatient behavioral health Clinic, located in Minot, Bismarck, and Fargo, North Dakota. In this podcast, I will talk with our experts about understanding and nurturing our mental health and wellness. I'm your host, Tim Unsinn. Join me each episode as we explore the intricacies of our minds, decrease the stigma of mental illness, learn practical tips for managing our mental health and wellbeing, and recognize when it's time to ask for help. Join me now to mind your mind. Welcome to this episode of Mind Your Mind. Our guest is Christy Wilke. Christy is a therapist in Fargo and provides outpatient therapy for children and adolescents, ages 5 to 25. Christy, great to have you on Mind Your Mind. Our topic is how to fit in while staying true to yourself. Can't wait to get to the topic. However, before we do that, the question I ask is, why do you do what you do?
Christy Wilkie:
I do what I do because I've always been drawn to help people. I grew up in a house that, my dad was a therapist and my mom was in social services. My brothers are in social services. And so it's always been a passion of mine, for someone to always have a safe space to think through and talk through what they're going through and realize that it can be better.
Host Tim Unsinn:
I love that. Very good. Yeah. When you're surrounded by people that are helping, it's hard not to be a helper, right?
Christy Wilkie:
It is.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Yep. Alright. Our topic is how to fit in while staying true to yourself. So how do you figure out where you fit in first?
Christy Wilkie:
Well, that's a good question because I think sometimes people try to fit in in places where they don't really even want to, but it's difficult to see a group of people doing something be like, man, I really wish I was part of that, but they don't really know why. So figuring out where you fit in is as important as figuring out where do you want to fit in. What are the things about you that you like? What are the things that you're good at? Instead of focusing on the things you don't have, what are the things that you do have that you think you can bring to a group of people? It's about instead of looking at all the things that you're not a part of, what can you be a part of? What is, what does that bigger picture look like for you?
Christy Wilkie:
And what are you going to enjoy? Because a lot of times people will find themselves in clubs or organizations or even sports where they realize maybe halfway through that they're really not even enjoying it. And part of wanting to fit in is wanting it to be a good experience. People in general are hardwired for connection, and so they want to be like, they want to be a part of something, but it's really important to figure out that being a part of something is going to make your life better rather than bring you more stress.
Host Tim Unsinn:
So if you're not fitting in, maybe it's time to look elsewhere. So how do I start to figure out who I am and what is important to me?
Christy Wilkie:
Yeah, that is a really good question because I think a lot of times people always look at what they're not instead of what they are. So a lot of this comes with doing some self-esteem building and identifying what are you good at? What are the things that you like to do? What are things that other people like about you? One of the exercises I have a lot of my kids do is to go around and pick five people in their life and have each one of those five people give them three words to describe them. And most people are really shocked at some of the things that people say back to them because in their heads they're thinking people are gonna say bad things or that they don't see these things about people. And they're like, oh my gosh, that's me. That's me.
Christy Wilkie:
And so sometimes when you can't figure out who you are yourself, you lean on your friends and your family and help them, and they can help you kind of figure out maybe who you are and what they see your strengths to be. And then based on those strengths, where is a place that you want to use those strengths, which is a huge self-esteem building thing. A lot of times people will be like, they're never gonna like me. They don't like me. I'm not as good as they are. I'm not as great of a basketball player. I'm not as great at baking or whatever it is that they wanna fit in doing. Instead of looking at it like, all of your deficits think, what can I learn from doing this? We go into a lot of things, not good at everything. That's why we go to school, because if we knew everything, we wouldn't have to go.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Well, and that's the way society is though for us. You think of going to school, you come home with your report card and you've got a couple of A's and you've got a C and what do our parents focus on? They focus on the C instead of the A's. Your strengths are the A's focus on the A's the C's gonna take care of itself at some level. But what you like to do is, what I'm hearing you say, is go for those things.
Christy Wilkie:
Absolutely. And I think a lot of people also, they think they have to fit in everywhere all of the time. So they adjust who they are to kind of fit the situation. And at that point, you're not really being true to yourself and who you are. You don't have to fit in everywhere. You don't have to be good at every subject in school. And that's okay. And accepting that we all have our strengths and our weaknesses and they're all part of who we are, that's okay.
Host Tim Unsinn:
So it's easy to say, go after your strengths. So if someone's listening saying, I'm going after my strengths, but I need to manage those emotions of feeling like I'm left out.
Christy Wilkie:
I think a big thing, especially with kids and even with adults is that with social media, people feel left out a lot of the time because it looks like there's all this really cool stuff that people are doing and all these parties that everybody's invited to and they're sitting at home and they feel like the world is like turning around them and they're just not doing anything. And it's always important. I think taking a social media break when that happens is always good. Reminding yourself that social media is a highlight reel. It is a snippet in time. It is a one second glimpse of what's going on, and that most of the time people aren't posting about the times when they're bored at home or that they're fighting with somebody or that they're just kind of bored or I mean, that's not Snapchat worthy when you're bored.
Christy Wilkie:
And so you're not seeing that. And so that is one way. Another way is to just find ways to distract yourself and do something that you really enjoy doing. I think most people have at least one or two things that really bring them joy and kind of distract your thoughts and taking it off of what, what everybody else is doing and where I'm not fitting in and saying, okay, how can I create this moment of peace for myself and, and do something that I'm feeling good about in this moment, which is really hard to do, but it is helpful to be able to do that.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Well, you're listening to Mind Your Mind and our guest is Christy Wilkie. Christy is a therapist in Fargo and provides outpatient therapy for kids and adolescents ages 5 to 25. How might I know if I am not being true to myself?
Christy Wilkie:
I think one of the big things is if you find yourself doing things that you don't feel good about. We all kind of have that feeling in your gut when you're participating in something and you're like, I don't really feel good about doing this. That's probably a good indication that you need to kind of listen to your gut a little bit. I think the other thing is if you're doing things that are not fun anymore, if you're finding yourself in this group or whatever, and it's just not fun. I mean, maybe that's because you're not doing something that really you wanna do and you're maybe doing it for someone else, which is a trap that a lot of kids fall into. It's like, well, my parents would be upset if I don't play whatever, or I'll be letting my friends down if I don't do such and such and such. And when you start having those kinds of thoughts and they're not about, I want to do this, I feel good about it, that's maybe when you're not being true to yourself
Host Tim Unsinn:
And you'll feel so much better if you learn the two letter word. And that is no.
Christy Wilkie:
That is so true. That is so true. I think the other trap that people fall into is that they like things just 'cause other people like them, like bandwagon football fans. I mean, that's just one example, but like getting into something because it's just what everybody else is doing, rather than it really being what you wanna do and you're like, I don't really like playing Fortnite, but everybody else is doing it, so I'm gonna do it. That's maybe when you're not being true to yourself either.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Yeah. So I'm hearing you say, find things that are gonna make you better for yourself, not better for other people.
Christy Wilkie:
Absolutely. Very well said.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Alright, Mind Your Mind is what you're listening to, Christy has been our guest. We always appreciate your time and talent. And before you go, what do you do personally to mind your mind?
Christy Wilkie:
You know, this might be a little controversial, but I feel like people need permission to use their PTO, and I do. So, it's a benefit you're given for a reason, to take time off of work, and I take time to myself and on those days when I just kind of have some time to myself to use it really wisely and do things that are, that make me feel better, and I get a little break sometimes. There's no shame in that.
Host Tim Unsinn:
No. And there's probably therapy for some of us that PTO it feels guilty to take it. Okay. So I'll be in to see you soon.
Christy Wilkie:
Please do.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Thank you so much. Always appreciate you and I appreciate you being on Mind Your Mind.
Christy Wilkie:
Thank you for having me.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Thank you for joining us for Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services. For more information, links to additional resources, contact information, and much more, go to dakotafamilyservices.org.
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In this episode of Mind Your Mind, our host Tim Unsinn talks with Dakota Family Services therapist Jessie Mertz about the “3 R’s”—Regulate, Relate, and Reason. They discuss what each term means, how they build upon each other, and how this approach can help you calm others who are experiencing distress.;
What is Schizophrenia?
Schizophrenia is a chronic, complex mental health disorder that affects around 1% of people in the United States. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and psychiatrist Dr. Wayne Martinsen discuss the symptoms and implications of schizophrenia, touching on its many effects on individual and family life. Learn about how schizophrenia is treated, how it affects physical health, when it tends to develop, and how it is perceived between cultures.;
Seasonal Affective Disorder (Community Chat Series)
Feeling like you’ve got the winter blues? If you’re noticing symptoms of depression with the change of seasons, it may be a sign that you’re suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. In this special Community Chat episode of Mind Your Mind, therapists Christy Wilkie and Lucas Mitzel discuss the common symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, how it can affect other mental health disorders, and some useful tips, tricks, and resources for managing symptoms of SAD.;