The Three R's: Regulate, Relate & Reason

Three R's

Episode Description

In this episode of Mind Your Mind, our host Tim Unsinn talks with Dakota Family Services therapist Jessie Mertz about the “3 R’s”—Regulate, Relate, and Reason. They discuss what each term means, how they build upon each other, and how this approach can help you calm others who are experiencing distress.

What to Expect

  • What are the “3 R’s?”
  • How our brains communicate
  • How to regulate someone who’s upset


Things to Think About

  • When we communicate, our brains process information at multiple levels. Messages have to move through the bottom portions of the brain before they’re able to reach the cortex, which deals with rational thought and problem solving. If we’re unregulated, we’re not thinking with our cortex.
  • We can’t regulate others when we’re not regulated ourselves. Check that you’re calm before trying to help calm someone else.

About the Hosts

Jessie

Jessie Mertz provides therapy for children and adolescents. She believes that change and growth come from positive relationships and new experiences. During each session, Jessie works to ensure each child and family member feels heard, valued, and strengthened to overcome the challenges and obstacles they face.

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Transcript
The Three R's: Regulate, Relate & Reason

Featuring Jessie Mertz, LCSW, Dakota Family Services

Tim Unsinn:

Welcome to Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services, an outpatient behavioral health clinic located in Minot, Bismarck, and Fargo, North Dakota. In this podcast, I will talk with our experts about understanding and nurturing our mental health and wellness. I'm your host, Tim Unsinn. Join me each episode as we explore the intricacies of our minds, decrease the stigma of mental illness, learn practical tips for managing our mental health and wellbeing, and recognize when it's time to ask for help. Join me now to mind your mind. Welcome to this episode of Mind Your Mind. Our guest is Jessie Mertz. Jessie is an outpatient therapist in Fargo and provides therapy for children and adolescents, ages two to 18. Jessie, great to have you on mind your mind. Our topic is the three R's-- regulate relate, reason, and we're gonna be talking about that in just a second. But first, before we get to the topic, it's a question I ask everybody, and that is, why do you do what you do?

Jessie Mertz:

Well, I really enjoy being able to help people in this capacity, and I've always thought psychology was fascinating. So to be able to use what we know about the mind and to help kids and families is just wonderful.

Tim Unsinn:

Our topic is the three R's-- regulate, relate, and reason. And as we age, that means a whole different thing to some of us, but we're gonna go into what it means in your area. So what does regulate relate and reason mean?

Jessie Mertz:

Well, that is something that Dr. Bruce Perry came up with. He does a lot of work on the brain and childhood trauma, and he essentially refers to it as the sequence of engagement. When you look at, you know, how the brain is formed, all of the information goes in at the very bottom. And that's the, the very sensory what's going on in our body, out of our body, very top of our brain is the cortex where you and I are having this conversation. We can engage in abstract thought, we can problem solve, we can be creative. So if you're working with like a kid, or even teachers, if you wanna be able to connect with them, you have to work through all of those phases first. I think we've all heard, you never can get someone to calm down by screaming calm down at them. Or if you've ever just been talking with a friend or a spouse and they immediately try to rationalize you out of whatever upsetting event you had or give you all this advice, you just become more angry because you are not ready to listen.

Jessie Mertz:

So when I think of a little kid, you know, who's throwing a tantrum, talking to them or yelling at them is not gonna pop them out of it. So the very, very first thing you have to do is to be able to regulate that behavior. For some kids, you can give them a hug or rub their back. Some kids do not want to be touched, they just want you nearby. With my own kids, I will, you know, sit near them and maybe like rub their foot a little bit. And then as they start to feel calmer, then we kind of move into the relate piece where you are far more likely to listen to someone that you believe cares about you and is connected with you. So then you can, you know, take the child and be like, wow, you were so upset that whatever happened. And as they feel understood, then they're ready to move to that next level of reason.

Tim Unsinn:

As you talked about, you know, regulating, relate, reason, it seems very simplistic, however, it seems like a technique that we need to learn versus not something most people naturally pick up on. How do, how do we get there?

Jessie Mertz:

Well, I think part of it is just letting people know this, that like, we can't just talk cortex to cortex. It has to go all the way through the lower part of the brain. So if you're already upset, if you're already stressed, you need to be able to calm down. And so a lot of that goes to adults because you have to be a regulated adult to regulate a child. And so that puts the work on our end is what do we need to do to regulate?

Tim Unsinn:

I mean this regulate, relate, reason-- what's the importance of all of it?

Jessie Mertz:

Well, ultimately it's how we can get up to that part of our brain where we can do communication and abstract thought. And you look at how we respond to stress, like, to put it bluntly, we basically get dumber when we're stressed out because that top part of our brain just shuts down and we're more in that fight flight, freeze mode. And so to be able to calm all that down is how we can then relate and share information with each other.

Tim Unsinn:

So how do we learn this stuff? I, I think of, you know, we can't yell at somebody to get them to calm down. I think of first responders, I think of police officers. I mean, in all those situations, when they come upon an accident and somebody is frantic, their first thing is not to yell at them, but they're calming them down. So there's, there's gotta be a way to learn these techniques.

Jessie Mertz:

Well, I think a lot of it is your body language, your tone of voice, right? Like if I open and I'm accepting and I'm just near you without causing any more agitation, or a lot is like the rhythmic or repetitive pattern behavior that helps calm us down. So even as simple as walking, running, swimming playing drums, doing yoga, I mean these are all different activities that can regulate us and help us to regulate others.

Tim Unsinn:

So how can I provide regulation to someone?

Jessie Mertz:

Well that is you being calm, being near them. And it depends on who you're trying to regulate. Is this someone that would want a hug to help you kind of to come in near you? Or is this someone that you would just be near? And so part of your regulation, it's called like a social contagion where if I'm around you and you're very regulated, that is gonna help me feel a little bit more regulated.

Tim Unsinn:

So for people that are listening to this right now talking about regulating relate and reason, maybe some of us are those that get hyper with a hyper person. They're not believing that this, this all works. What do you say to those people? Because for me, I've seen this in action with kids at Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch, helping each other regulate each other when you wouldn't think that would happen, but I believe it works. But what would you say to those people?

Jessie Mertz:

Well, I would say do some reading of Dr. Bruce Perry, if you want like the full background of what he's done. His most popular books are the boy who was raised as a dog and then he just has a new one with Oprah called What Happened To You? Fascinating books. But kind of the long and short of it is that lower part of our brain is where those primary stress hormones and those regulatory networks are like the dopamine, you know, don't need to get into all of that, but until that can be calmed down, it misfires up to the rest of the brain. So you have to be in a place of at least minimal regulation so you can relate with someone and then you can reason.

Tim Unsinn:

Alright, our guest on Mind Your Mind is Jessie Mertz. Jessie's an outpatient therapist in Fargo with Dakota Family Services. Any other thoughts on the three R's? It just seems like a really simplistic approach, but it seems like there's some complexity to it. Any other final thoughts on the three R's?

Jessie Mertz:

Well, you're right. It sounds like it's super easy, but again, it's really hard. Like if you're already kind of stressed out, like I think of the end of the day I'm a little stressed out, I'm a little frustrated. And then if my kids come home and they have an issue, like I am not always in the place where I can be totally calm. And you have to be aware that maybe you're not in the place to be regulated towards everyone else and take a step back, be alone, do deep breathing, you know, some of the skills that work for you 'cause it's different for everyone. So you can be another regulating adult to whoever you're with.

Tim Unsinn:

It takes a lot of work to get to some of these places and for some of us, you know, the stress, we're high on the stress level to maybe be there for somebody else, when they're at that point it's like, okay, we both can't be here. One of us has to be the adult, if you will. Right? And bring us both down. So I, I think it takes training.

Jessie Mertz:

Well and for some adults they never had that growing up either. So it's learning a new skill. That's a challenging skill when you never had it when you were younger.

Tim Unsinn:

Everybody's yelling at everybody. Right?

Jessie Mertz:

Yeah. No one's stress is going down 'cause everyone's dysregulated.

Tim Unsinn:

Alright, super. Thank you. Great topic. The three R's-- Regulate, relate, and reason. Jessie Mertz has been our guest here on Mind Your Mind, Jessie, before we wrap up, final question that we ask everyone and that is, how do you personally mind your mind?

Jessie Mertz:

Well, part of what I do to regulate is running. It's that repetitive back and forth of the movement. Obviously the endorphins are going. Also listening to music is a huge regulatory activity, but also you get the music and the running and that's just the space that I need that kind of pull me back and help me feel a little more calm.

Tim Unsinn:

Great. Jessie, thank you so much for being on Mind Your Mind. I'm sure we'll be hearing more from you, more topics to come. Thanks again. Thank you. Thank you for joining us for Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services. You can't have health without behavioral health. Remember to mind your mind. For more information, links to additional resources, contact information, and much more. Go to Dakotafamilyservices.org.

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