Coping with Rejection

Coping With Rejection

Episode Description

Whether it’s from asking someone on a date or applying for a job, we all experience rejection at some point in our lives. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with therapist April Morris about how to cope with rejection, including the common coping stages, the importance of acceptance, and how rejection can impact people differently.

What to Expect

  • Why rejection hurts
  • Real vs perceived rejection
  • How to find support


Things to Think About

  • Try to avoid grouping multiple rejections together, as this can lead to distorted self-perceptions of inadequacy.
  • While many of us are afraid of rejection, it’s important to take risks for things we care about, even if we may be rejected afterwards.

About the Hosts

April

April Morris provides therapy for adolescents and adults. She enjoys working with clients from all walks of life, and is honored to join them on their mental health journey and help them build skills to adapt to life challenges. She loves building relationships with people and is dedicated to helping them become their best selves.

Want to Listen to More Episodes?


Back to Episode Library

Transcript
Coping with Rejection

Featuring April Morris, LCSW, Dakota Family Services

Tim Unsinn:

Welcome to Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services, an outpatient behavioral health clinic located in Minot, Bismarck, and Fargo, North Dakota. In this podcast, I will talk with our experts about understanding and nurturing our mental health and wellness. I'm your host, Tim Unsinn. Join me each episode as we explore the intricacies of our minds, decrease the stigma of mental illness, learn practical tips for managing our mental health and wellbeing, and recognize when it's time to ask for help. Join me now to mind your mind. Welcome to this episode of Mind Your Mind. Our guest is April Morris. April is an outpatient therapist in Fargo and provides therapy for those over 12, primarily adults. April, great to have you on Mind Your Mind. Our topic is coping with rejection, something that many of us know a lot about. So we're gonna talk about that today. But before we get to the topic, why do you do what you do?

April Morris:

I just think I love being part of people's experiences, whether they are the positives or the challenges and there's just something very rewarding supporting people.

Tim Unsinn:

Love that. Everybody that's a part of the Mind Your Mind podcast, I love all the answers of why you're doing what you do. It just, it's about helping people. It's about making life better for those around you. So appreciate that. Alright, our topic is coping with rejection and I guess first thing up is, is why does it hurt?

April Morris:

Yeah. I think that's sometimes a question for everybody. Why does it hurt so bad and how does it actually feel? Neurologically they aren't seeing a difference on an MRI between physical and emotional pain. They've been doing a lot of studies recently in the psychology community on this and looking more at it being a range of pain between the two topics because it's being found that it's the same area of the brain that's actually processing the information. So I think that's really kind of cool to think about. There's also the piece that looks at evolution. So looking at acceptance and belonging. The idea is if we didn't belong to a tribe or a pack, right, that was connected to our survival and our ability to procreate. So it is hardwired to try to fit in when it comes to evolution.

Tim Unsinn:

So it's against what nature has provided. So we're kind of fighting against that we should fit in and if we don't oh, our brain's like, alert! Alert!

April Morris:

Yes. Then our brain sends an alert. But sometimes, you know, those alerts can, alerts can be off. But yes, essentially that's kind of the basic of why we chemically feel the way we feel.

Tim Unsinn:

So would that be different between introverts and extroverts? Is there a difference there or is it pretty much the same?

April Morris:

I think that could trigger some bigger fears of rejection if you're an introverted person worrying about if you are being accepted. I think there could be some connection there. That's a good question.

Tim Unsinn:

Alright. Great, 'cause I'm an introvert and <laugh>, I'm good with rejection because that means I'm away from people, but that's just me. <Laugh>. So, talking about hurting now, there are stages, different stages of rejection. What are the five stages?

April Morris:

Yeah, I think when people think about the similarities to grief and loss stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And I think what can happen too is the intensity of the rejection or the type of relationship or rejection may determine how long people end up in these different stages. Just the same as any other loss. The connection of closeness might change that variability. I think it's interesting too to also keep in mind rejection can be real or perceived. Sometimes we perceive rejection and that's not always accurate.

Tim Unsinn:

Does that have to do with their self-confidence? Maybe a little bit that we're just not confident, so everything is negative toward us.

April Morris:

It can be, yeah, I think about people too that have just anxiety and have a heightened worry about what people think. I think about rejection sensitivity dysphoria is actually a part of ADHD when you look at people that have just a higher sensitive radar to emotions and higher sensitivity to rejection specifically. And then often we find more people pleasing and things that kind of come along with that. But that actually is something that a lot of people are talking about that rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It's kind of one of those new hot topics I guess you could say that is connected to ADHD. Some other things I guess I'd wanna mention as well is just, you know, with these regulating emotion challenges and you look at rejection, there's some other diagnoses that I think are worth noting besides ADHD.

April Morris:

So even PTSD, anxiety, autism, Borderline Personality Disorder, a lot of those diagnoses have challenges regulating emotions, which then again, if it feels just as strong as physical pain when we get rejected, that's a lot to regulate and manage. So just when people look at mental health conditions, that might also exemplify that even larger than a typical person and situation where we do all experience rejection as well. I also think it's worth noting that when you look at repeated rejection, that's when we can really get into some of those cognitive distortions about, you know, believing overall we're inadequate if we're, if we are getting multiple rejections and we're-- this is us, versus being able to acknowledge a mistake and moving forward or maybe just not being a fit with a particular person for a friendship. And people can start to really get big distortions when they connect all of those rejections together, if you will.

Tim Unsinn:

You're listening to Mind Your Mind, our guest is April Morris. And we're talking about coping with rejection. We talked about why it hurts. We talked about the stages of rejection. Well, how do I cope with rejection when it happens?

April Morris:

Yes. That's the big question, right? So first we always have to keep in mind rejection is a part of life in theory. We don't want to avoid it. Not that we're seeking it out, but it goes along the lines of taking risks, right? When people try to anticipate rejection, maybe they don't take risks like applying for that promotion or new job or asking somebody out that you wanna go on a date with. So there is always going to be a potential of rejection with risks, and to really live life to the fullest we shouldn't avoid it.

Tim Unsinn:

Really just being ready for it, dealing with it,

April Morris:

Yeah. Part of life, right? And so like I mentioned earlier, you know, coping is gonna depend on the rejection or the loss itself. Is it a short-term situation? Like I didn't get picked for that promotion or a long-term rejection where I think about like a romantic breakup after two years. So I think that is worth noting that that can make a difference on how you may cope or how intense it's gonna feel.

Tim Unsinn:

So does it matter where you're at? You talked about the stages and talked about where we're at in life, like PTSD and and ADHD and things like that. So does a small rejection impact people differently? I guess that's what I'm trying to ask.

April Morris:

Absolutely. That's a good question too. For example, borderline personality disorder and ADHD do have really strong emotional reactions that could be interpreted differently by somebody that has maybe a different brain chemistry. I think some other points when you're thinking about coping is it is really important to just identify the emotions and process them beyond the rejection. So am I disappointed that I didn't get picked for the soccer team? Am I sad that I lost a friendship? And really identify the emotion and process the emotion. What can happen is, you know, if we don't process those emotions, we can kind of be in denial. It didn't happen or it's fine, I'm fine. And then you don't really move through it in a healthy way. And we also wanna make sure, right, like that's where we're not going to put a bunch of rejection together, right?

April Morris:

When we process each one individually, they're less likely to string together to create a "I'm inadequate" versus just focusing on each situation. I also think about, you know, when we can look for opportunities of growth. If I've made a mistake, can I own it? Not ruminate on it, accept what happened. I think about if I stick with the applying for a promotion and maybe I didn't do my best with the interview, I can't change it. I have to accept that and look forward to where can I grow in my future, you know, applications and interview process and move forward.

Tim Unsinn:

Growth. I think that was, that's a big piece of what you're talking about.

April Morris:

Yes, absolutely. And then I think about having self-compassion, not letting the rejection define you, letting go of self blame, just kind of, again, that acceptance and not sitting in any denial. I think about focusing on your strengths and the healthy relationships you do have. So when you are feeling rejected, it can feel like all or nothing can be one of those distortions, right? This person doesn't like me so nobody likes me, but could I say, actually I can think of a couple good friendships or relationships I have and it's okay that I didn't match with this one person, right? That doesn't have to define me or my strengths if it's about applying for a job, you know, I didn't get that promotion or that job, but I think I have a lot of good qualities and I have gotten good jobs in the past. So can we try to focus on some of our positives?

Tim Unsinn:

I would say rejection, it's something that we all endure. Now the other question I have for you then, for those that have a harder time of going through the five stages, getting to the end, accepting, you know, and moving on. I have to think therapy fits in here somewhere?

April Morris:

Absolutely. You know, if you are struggling with managing your big emotions with rejection, absolutely think about individual therapy. Think about dialectical behavioral therapy skills groups. So for example, we have one for adolescents right now, but there are in our community adult DBT groups as well, and DBT would be a great therapy for people that are struggling with this because it really helps them re-engage their brain in the present moment with mindfulness. And then distress tolerance and emotion regulation, which I believe we might even have some podcasts on too. Those would be the next ones I would be checking out if I was in those positions. I also would mention, you know, the other things people might be trying on their own to manage those big emotions are of course journaling, seeking out support even just from your support system within friends and family, exercise we know has so many benefits physically and emotionally, and even crying. I like to tell people we can't avoid crying. Crying is our body's natural release. And just really taking that time to feel the emotions so you can move through those stages essentially of grief and loss with rejection.

Tim Unsinn:

Coping with rejection has been our topic on Mind Your Mind. Our guest has been April Morris, and April, so appreciate your insights and really bringing it together for us to really understand. And I know it's a deeper topic, a lot of things go into it, but thank you for making it understandable, <laugh>. So anyway, before we wrap up, the final thing I ask all of our guests and that is what do you do personally to mind your mind?

April Morris:

Besides doing the hobbies that we have, so for myself, it's going to the lake on the weekends in the summer or just spending time with family even in the winter time, but engaging in mindfulness even in those small moments where if I get a few minutes alone in a shower and I can, you know, go through my five senses and just kind of enjoy those senses for a few moments, that grounds me and really can help prepare and shape a day.

Tim Unsinn:

Thank you again. Thanks for sharing your time and talent with us here on Mind Your Mind.

April Morris:

Thank you.

Tim Unsinn:

Thank you for joining us for Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services. You can't have health without behavioral health. Remember to mind your mind. For more information, links to additional resources, contact information, and much more, go to Dakotafamilyservices.org.

Like what you hear? Want to be the first to listen to next month's episode?

Notify Me

Other Podcast Episodes