About the Hosts

Christy Wilkie provides therapy for children and adolescents, ages 5-25, who have complex behavioral health issues. She combines her extensive clinical expertise with a belief in kids, and has a unique ability to find and develop their strengths. She works hard to be an ideal therapist for her clients, doing what is best to fit their needs.

Lucas Mitzel provides therapy for children, adolescents, and adults, ages 5 - 30. He believes building relationships with clients is the most important piece of successful therapy. He loves what he does because it allows him to walk next to people he would never have met had he chosen a different profession, as they work to make amazing life changes. He has the honor of meeting people at their worst, all while watching them grow into the people they’ve always wanted to be.

Transcript
Game Plan for Mental Health

Featuring Christy Wilkie, LCSW, and Lucas Mitzel, LCSW, Dakota Family Services

Announcer (00:00):

This episode of, Is It Just Me, is brought to you by Dakota Family Services, your trusted partner in mental and behavioral health. Whether you need in-person or virtual care, the team of professionals at Dakota Family Services is dedicated to supporting children, adolescents, and adults in their journey to better mental health.

Christy (00:21):

Disrupting life patterns and life routines that aren't serving you.

Lucas (00:26):

It's how we feel that keeps us going.

Christy (00:29):

You can be a masterpiece and a work of art all at the same time.

Lucas (00:40):

Hey everyone. I'm Lucas.

Christy (00:41):

And I'm Christy.

Lucas (00:41):

And you're listening to the, is It Just Me podcast where

Christy (00:44):

We aimed to provide education, decrease the stigma, and expel some myths around mental health.

Lucas (00:48):

Cristy, is it just me or are we ready for fall sports?

Christy (00:51):

We are so ready for fall sports. Go Vikings.

Lucas (01:04):

Okay. So we're gonna talk about sports today.

Christy (01:16):

We are.

Lucas (01:17):

And I think before we get started, we are going to talk about this in the context of...

Christy (01:22):

We're already started to be fair, but go on.

Lucas (01:25):

We're gonna talk about this <laugh> in the context of like, we're gonna focus a lot on kids and parents and what they can do. However, a lot of these things, well, most of this is going to act, is going to be relatable to anybody who's in sports. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> no matter what age you're in. But there's, it's gonna be talked about mostly in the context of parents and their kids in sports and stuff today. So, just so you know. <Laugh>,

Christy (01:47):

There you have it.

Lucas (01:49):

Right. So I mean, start off with some, some of the obvious stuff. So there, there's a lot of benefits of sports.

Christy (01:55):

Yes. Yep.

Lucas (01:55):

What are some of the benefits that you see?

Christy (01:58):

I think one of the biggest benefits is being a part of a team and working together for a, for the same goal. Like, you learn kind of where, how to be a leader. You learn how to maybe not be a leader. You learn how to support people through things. 'cause You're not always gonna be the best one on the team, but that doesn't mean that the team doesn't need you. I think learning because that, I mean, those are skills that generalize into the workplace.

Lucas (02:21):

Yeah. I mean, it's like part of team built in friends.

Christy (02:23):

Yeah.

Lucas (02:24):

You, you get around people that have the same interest as you. Automatically. So then that's a cool place to kick off friendships right there.

Christy (02:33):

Yeah, for sure. And I think we've said this before, but you, you become, you take on the characteristics of people that you spend the most time around. Like the five people that you spend the most time around. So when you're with people that are like-minded and are driven and motivated, like that's going to, that's gonna rub off on you a little bit.

Lucas (02:48):

Yeah. And you, you have people who are relying on you, and so then you wanna perform better both in school and just personal life. And that's just, it's can be really, really healthy. They've done some research 'cause it wouldn't be a podcast with me in it without some research where they've found that sports that have the team component are actually have higher benefits than individual sports.

Christy (03:10):

Really?

Lucas (03:11):

That's not to say that individualized sports, like cross country or wrestling, golf, tennis, golf, tennis, all those.

Christy (03:18):

Cross country. Yeah.

Lucas (03:19):

That they don't have positive benefits. It's just that you have a higher amount of benefits from like a team sport like hockey, football, soccer.

Christy (03:26):

Basketball.

Lucas (03:26):

Basketball, those sorts of things. We're gonna forget a sport <laugh> today. I cannot.

Christy (03:30):

I know we are gonna forget a sport.

Lucas (03:31):

So I'm sorry in advance if we never mention your sport <laugh>.

Christy (03:34):

I'm just gonna throw out swimming just so we got it. So we have it in there.

Lucas (03:37):

<Laugh>. There you go. Yeah. We, we mentioned it.

Christy (03:40):

Yes. <laugh>.

Lucas (03:41):

It also can, sports are really awesome at moderating stress. There's, when you work out, especially like to the point where you're sweating for like, I think it's like 30 to 45 minutes or something like that.

Christy (03:52):

It's 150 minutes a week is what they recommend. But like 30 minutes

Lucas (03:56):

You can reduce cortisol levels, which is the stress hormone, and it gets your adrenaline out instead of storing it. And then that just alleviates overall stress. Which is great for the brain.

Christy (04:07):

It is great for the brain. It'd be great for my brain. I also think that learning how to work hard to achieve a goal is an excellent skill because you, I mean, you see some of those athletes, they're out there grinding like they are every day shooting hoops, throwing the ball, tackling dummies. Like, I mean, they're just, when you work hard and you can see that the hard work pays off in one way or the other, I think that's so huge to see that.

Lucas (04:33):

Absolutely. It's, we talked about this a little bit already, but going off of improvements in friends and relationships that also comes with improved social skills. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, which is wonderful, especially for kids. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> to work on those things. You can boost your self-esteem when you are part of a group that is you, you kind of feel like a unit and like you're not alone or you're doing really well. And even if you're not like necessarily the best on your team, just being part of that group can just really help boost self-esteem overall.

Christy (05:02):

Yeah. I was a very mediocre basketball player. Very mediocre. But I am an excellent cheerleader. <Laugh>.

Lucas (05:09):

Yeah. There you go.

Christy (05:10):

So I, like, I was on the team and I went to the practices and I, you know, whatever, but like I knew my role on my basketball team was to be the cheerleader and I loved it. And I, and I still do that to this day. Like my friends, when they're running races or whatever, it is my biggest joy to go and cheer people on. It's the best.

Lucas (05:27):

Yep. There's lower people who are in sports tend to have a lower risk of suicidal ideation. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. Now we're gonna get into this a little bit later, but sometimes you can have an increase depending on different things that are going on, but we're not gonna get ahead of ourselves yet. <Laugh>.

Christy (05:41):

Well, and you know, the nice thing about that is that when you're a part of a team, and you said this, you know, when you, you have a group of friends if you, that you spend a significant amount of time with, if you're not feeling yourself, A, you have more people that are around you that might notice that you're not feeling yourself. And b you've got more people that you might feel comfortable divulging what's going on with you because you've created like this trust and this bond through team sports. And that, I think is a huge protective factor when you talk about suicide.

Lucas (06:07):

Absolutely. When it comes to specific mental illnesses, there's, because of the release of endorphins and the lower cortisol rates, there's benefits for anxiety of all kinds. There's benefits for depression specifically. And then there's been some really cool research on specific benefits for schizophrenia. Oh. Which is really interesting.

Christy (06:26):

That is interesting.

Lucas (06:27):

Um unfortunately it doesn't help with hallucinations or those sorts of things, but it helps with the mood components and the, the stress that can go along with schizophrenia. Um...

Christy (06:39):

That is fascinating to me, actually.

Lucas (06:39):

Yeah. There's a whole branch of research that I found that is focused on exercise or sports and schizophrenia. It's really interesting. Yeah.

Christy (06:46):

I dig it.

Lucas (06:48):

So what are some of the things that we need to look for or like maybe some negatives or warning signs or things that could maybe go wrong?

Christy (06:56):

Things that might make you feel like, this is maybe not right for me or my child. I would say if, if you're noticing that they are more depressed or sad or they're becoming really, really overwhelmed. I have, I see a bunch of student athletes and they, I mean, these kids are up at 4:45 in the morning to either go to the gym, lift weights, they have before, you know, before school. And then after school there's either practice or a game. And if it's in Minot, it, that's, they, they're not getting home until midnight and then they have to fit in their homework. And I mean, it can, it can get to be a lot. And if, if you feel like your child isn't able to manage all of the demands that being in a sport has, like, you maybe maybe just sit down and be like, you're looking a little frazzled. Like what's up with that?

Lucas (07:41):

Yeah. There's been a lot of different surveys and some have said up to like, 35% of athletes have mental health concerns. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> including burnout, depression, anxiety, et cetera. And a lot of this. So sports do really an awesome job at building resilience. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> you push through things, you, you don't stop even when it doesn't feel good. But that can also be a detriment when you are training yourself to ignore your mind, your body, ignore the natural limitations in order to get better or improve whatever. You can also train yourself to ignore maybe signs that you shouldn't ignore. And...

Christy (08:18):

I don't know anything about that.

Lucas (08:20):

<Laugh> Did. Yeah. Right. <Laugh> you ran a marathon on a fractured foot and ended up breaking it.

Christy (08:26):

But to be fair, I didn't know that it was fractured <laugh>.

Lucas (08:30):

No. But you knew it hurt.

Christy (08:31):

Well, I did, but I just figured it was just, it would work itself out.

Lucas (08:34):

What mile did you break your foot on? 14. And did you finish that race?

Christy (08:37):

I absolutely did.

Lucas (08:38):

How long is a marathon?

Christy (08:40):

Too long? 26.2 miles.

Lucas (08:41):

Wow. That's a lot of miles to run on a broken foot.

Christy (08:44):

I love that you didn't even try to do the math. <Laugh>, you should see his face right now. He's trying, he's trying to do this.

Lucas (08:50):

Anyways.

Christy (08:51):

Any, any hoops <laugh>. Yeah, that was not wise, but I was really, I I was able to talk myself out of believing that it was broken.

Lucas (08:59):

Right. And athletes do this all the time with their mental health. And then it gets to a point where we are in serious crisis. And that's oftentimes when athletes come in. Is when we're dealing with a serious crisis.

Christy (09:11):

So true.

Lucas (09:12):

When we could have probably fixed this when it was really little.

Christy (09:14):

Right. And you know, the thing about sports is that, and I, and I love this, that, I mean, kids are getting involved in sports at a really, really young age. I mean, we got kids on hockey skates when they're three. We've got, I mean, how many times did I sit through my nephew's soccer games when they were like four? And nobody knows what they're doing. They're just like, eh, it's just watching. It's like herding cats. Anywho. And then you, you kind of find all these sports that you like and you find the ones that you're good at and you're more likely to go into the sports that you are good at. And you get into 'em 'cause they're fun and you're good at it. And it's like, we take that and all of a sudden it becomes a job. And it's like, there, there becomes this pressure to win all the time or whatever. They run faster, score more points, whatever the case may be. And it's like when you can feel the fun fading out of the sport, that's also when I'm like, we need to have a talk about it. 'cause It should still be fun.

Lucas (10:06):

Right. That's like the whole point.

Christy (10:08):

Right. But you see so many people, I mean, I have all star athletes, honest to God, and they, they're just like, I'm just exhausted because people run them ragged and they're so, so high expectations to the point where I have kids who stay on a team, not because they like it, but because they're afraid other people are gonna get mad at them if they don't play.

Lucas (10:27):

Yeah. That includes parents, coaches, peers, teachers. The, just the school in general. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. I've got some kids who they are labeled like the elite athlete. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. And so they have to be on the field or they have to be on the court 24/7 mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, they don't even get a break during the game because it's up to them to win. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And like these kids are in middle school. Just starting high school. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. That is insane amount of pressure.

Christy (10:53):

Well, and just because you're good at something doesn't mean you have to do it.

Lucas (10:56):

Right.

Christy (10:57):

Like you could not everybody who's tall has to play basketball.

Lucas (11:01):

Yeah.

Christy (11:01):

And I bet every tall person is really sick of everybody saying, did you play basketball? <Laugh>?

Lucas (11:06):

I'm sure.

Christy (11:07):

Because that would get annoying. But I, I mean, I've got a lot of kids that, that are, I mean, are just naturally, they're just natural athletes and they're good at everything they do, but that doesn't mean that they have to do it just 'cause they're good at it. And then everyone's like, you're wasting your talent, you're wasting whatever. It's like, or would they be wasting their brain power if they're stuck doing a sport they don't enjoy?

Lucas (11:28):

Yeah.

Christy (11:28):

You know?

Lucas (11:29):

Right. I mean, that's, it plays a huge toll on your mental health to do something every day that you don't like doing. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> you want to enjoy what you're doing. That whether it's sports or work or whatever.

Christy (11:40):

Yeah. I think this is also true and pertinent right now because I'll have kids that are in high school and are all star. They're, I mean, they are really good at what they do. And so everyone's like, well, you have to play in college because you're good. And they're like, what if I just wanna go to college and be a normal college kid? Like, that's okay. You know, that happened. I was, I was a decent tennis player when I was in high school and there was a great deal of stress that went on to that. And then when I went to Concordia roll cobs, I, it was just expected that I'd be on the tennis team and I went to two practices and I was like, no, I'm not doing it. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>.

Lucas (12:15):

Yeah.

Christy (12:15):

Because I have a lot more fun things to do. Than play tennis and be expected to win. It's just too much to carry.

Lucas (12:23):

I've worked with multiple kids who have gotten a couple, have gotten like full ride scholarships. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> because of their sports. And they're like, I don't wanna play anymore. I want to be done. And then they have all this pressure of like, you have to go play. Because it's a full ride. And they just hate it and they're miserable. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> now playing it. And so I'm, I'm thankful that most of them choose happiness.

Christy (12:46):

Yes, and that, and that they have parents that understand that. Because that's, that's huge if for, for parents. 'cause It, it is tempting to be like, free college man. Like, just tough it out for four years. <Laugh>. But it's just not worth it.

Lucas (12:59):

Right, right. So some mental health issues that can come from sports. We started talking about these a little bit, but like depression. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> Christie was talking about like essentially being overtrained. A lot of these kids, especially in high school, they have morning practices, they have afterschool practices, they have like preseason practices that they have to go to.

Christy (13:19):

Captain's practices.

Lucas (13:20):

Yeah. Captain's practices that are air quotes optional.

Christy (13:23):

Yeah, but we know they're not.

Lucas (13:24):

But they're not.

Christy (13:26):

And there's get togethers they have like, like pizza parties and it's, I mean it's just, it's a lot.

Lucas (13:31):

Right. And then that doesn't even count the games. Or the tournaments, depending on what sports you're in, which can last sometimes days. So, and then you're traveling a ton on top of all that. I mean, hockey is one of them that you are, I feel like my families that are in hockey are never in North Dakota.

Christy (13:48):

Yeah. I know. Ever. They're traveling all the time.

Lucas (13:51):

And all of that together can, including schoolwork that they still have, are expected to get done, even though they aren't in school necessarily as much as everybody else can cause a lot of anxiety. And then that can lead into some depression. And if they're not performing as well as they want to, they're really down on themselves. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. And that can cause some depression as well, which can lead to a number of other issues such as suicidal ideation.

Christy (14:13):

And on the flip side of that, if you're a parent, the financial burden of having a child in sports is huge.

Lucas (14:20):

It's, yeah.

Christy (14:21):

I mean, it is, it costs so much money to have kids in sports. Basketball's another one. They, I mean, they travel all over the place. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> they're everywhere all the time. And you have different jerseys and different teams and AAU and all these things. And so for a parent having a child in sports, A. It's nerve wracking to watch your kids play sports. I don't have children, but I have nephews and they're like in ninth and eighth grade and I get nervous watching them do anything. So like being a parent and watching your child do that and wanting them to succeed, there's, that's huge. That mental health component for parents along with the financial burden and the, I mean, it can cause some depression for parents too, because it's, or if your kid doesn't get playing time or, you know, there's, there's so much, there's so much mental health stuff that goes into being a parent of a child playing sports too, that I think a lot of people don't always pay attention to.

Lucas (15:11):

Yeah. And then trying to figure out how to best support them. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. I mean, I've recently, I was visiting with one of my really athletic clients and their family was like, wa, wa, we don't know what to do because if they have a, a rough round, I think it was we're talking about golf. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. So if they have like a really bad shot, they look at us and it's like, if we give them like a thumbs up, it's gonna be okay. They're like, no, it's not okay. Like this is a big deal. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And they're like, okay. So then if we're like, we we're like, dang it, that wasn't great. They're like, oh, you're mad at me.

Christy (15:42):

Right. <laugh> <laugh>. Yeah.

Lucas (15:45):

And so it's, it's also, it's really hard on parents trying to figure out the, the right balance of how to like support and validate kids and like tell 'em it's gonna be all right. But also like, be disappointed with them. That's stressful.

Christy (15:57):

It s. It is. And I think, 'cause people say, well, what do you do in that moment? Have a conversation with your kids, be like outside of the sport before the sport is happening, <laugh>. Because when you're in it, you're screwed because you can do nothing right. But if you have a conversation before to be like, we are proud of you no matter what, how can we best support you? What do you need from us? Because if you just need us to be quiet, we'll be quiet. But you tell me what you need from me in that moment. Because it can be very confusing.

Lucas (16:24):

Yeah. And we're getting a little bit of a ahead of ourselves here, but if, if a kid, right. If a kid if your kid comes up to you and starts expressing this that they would like you to change how you do something. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, try not to be offended. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> by that, I will tell you both from personal experience and from just talking to kids, they're terrified of that conversation. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. And they're, they're really worried you're gonna get upset. So try not to be offended and try to do what you can to listen. To what they need.

Christy (16:54):

<Laugh>. My, my if my, my dad is listening and he always is, he'll get a kick outta this because he, every time I hated to double fault. Right. So you get two serves and and if you don't get them in. It's a double fault. And every time I would double fault I could hear my dad from the top of the hill go, Ugh. And it drove me nuts. It drove me. 'cause I was like, nobody, nobody is more upset with me than me if I mess up. Yep. Nobody. And then I could just, just that ugh. From my dad and I would just look at him <laugh> and be like, I'm sorry. So he tried really hard to keep his mouth shut. But I had to tell him that. 'cause It's like, 'cause it, it can get in my head. And that can get in your kids' head too if they're like listening to you. And then now they're worried that they messed up and everybody's judging them and Oh my gosh, I suck and everybody's watching me. I'm not anxious at all.

Lucas (17:41):

No, not no. Neither of us. No. I was in, I was a wrestler for many years.

Christy (17:45):

Yes, you were.

Lucas (17:45):

And I remember that when, especially these big tournaments and stuff, like the two kids who are wrestling, their whole family comes down right onto the mat and they're just, there's lots of yelling and like, tips being given and like, do this, do that for people that know me, they won't be shocked to know that that stresses me out. And so when my, when my family would do that to me I perform performed way worse. And I would just get so stressed. And so I had a conversation with them that they needed to not do that anymore. And I just need them to be silent. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, we can have a game plan prior, or like, it needs to be at least quieter. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> before I start wrestling. But when I'm wrestling, you cannot be yelling at me. Yeah. <Laugh>. And so once that happened, my anxiety went down quite a bit when I was actually on, on the mat wrestling. But that was a scary conversation for me. I remember that as a kid. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. Um.

Christy (18:39):

I think it's, it's funny because I think for family members to mitigate their own anxiety about you potentially losing. They like are like, if you do this and you do this, you do this and you're gonna win. 'cause They're trying to make themselves feel better and not realizing what pressure that's putting on you. <Laugh>. It's like, don't mitigate your own anxiety by like making the athlete more anxious. That's not helpful.

Lucas (19:00):

Right. Yeah. Another big issue we see in the sports world is eating disorders.

Christy (19:06):

Oh yeah.

Lucas (19:07):

Um there's a, there's a couple of sports in particular that really struggle with this. Wrestling is one.

Christy (19:11):

Yes.

Lucas (19:11):

Um gymnastics.

Christy (19:12):

Yep.

Lucas (19:13):

Swimming.

Christy (19:13):

Diving. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>.

Lucas (19:14):

Um I mean, anything that has to do with weight orum.

Christy (19:18):

Dance.

Lucas (19:19):

Dance. Oh yes. Dance, is a really good ones.

Christy (19:22):

Cheerleading.

Lucas (19:23):

Cheerleading. It's more common in females to struggle with eating disorders in sports. But

Christy (19:29):

Definitely not unheard of for males.

Lucas (19:30):

But not, definitely not unheard of with males. We see a lot of wrestlers.

Christy (19:35):

We do a lot of wrestlers.

Lucas (19:36):

And they all struggle with this.

Christy (19:36):

They do.

Lucas (19:37):

I I remember specifically as when I was in wrestling in high school, I would wake up in the morning, weigh myself, and if I weighed too much, I would go early to school to run for an hour so that I could have lunch that day.

Christy (19:52):

Oh my God.

Lucas (19:53):

And then I would eat a salad. And then after, after school, I would have practice and work out for like two and a half, three hours and then I'd weigh myself again. And if I weighed low enough I would have dinner.

Christy (20:05):

Wooow-Aah

Lucas (20:06):

Yeah. That's very disordered eating,

Christy (20:08):

You know? Yeah. Did you know it at the time though?

Lucas (20:10):

I didn't. No. Because

Christy (20:11):

You were probably surrounded by people that were doing the same thing.

Lucas (20:13):

I was encouraged to do that.

Christy (20:14):

Oh my god.

Lucas (20:15):

I, because I was getting positive reinforcement to make weight. And I remember there was one week I went to some Italian restaurant and I ate, I ate a little bit more than I was supposed to and I gained seven pounds. <Laugh> That. Yeah. And I had to cut that by the week. By the end of the week. And, and I did it right. And I was very sick.

Christy (20:34):

I bet you were. Well, and and not only that, but every, we talk about exercise, diet, eating, sleep. Right. So if you are not eating, you are not feeding your brain. Hangry is a thing and irritability is a thing. And I, when I've got wrestlers and I know that they're cutting and they come in, I'm like, you are grumpy today. They're like, I'm cutting. And I was like, you don't have to tell me. I know, I can, I can tell. And I guarantee you that all of the people around you can also tell.

Lucas (20:59):

It's like, we all know that you're cutting right now.

Christy (21:01):

<Laugh>. My girlfriend hates what I'm cutting. Yeah, I bet she does. Because you are not fun to be around, when you're irritable and you're hungry. Like that's, and and I do think, at least from my very basic knowledge of wrestling, that the high school system anyway has put into place the percentage. You can't, you can't lose a certain percentage. Or they're trying to put in safeguards so that kids don't do stuff like this. They think they outlawed those sweatsuits where you like basically put your, put yourself in a trash bag and <laugh> sweat it out in a sauna. Yeah, they're not supposed to be using those.

Lucas (21:32):

Yeah. That, that was not fun.

Christy (21:34):

No. And you, I mean, you, I remember in, when I was in high school, I would see those, they were in sweatpants and sweatshirts with hoods and gloves and hats and they're running up and down the hallways trying to cut weight. And I'm like, that looks awful. Yeah. Like, not comfy at all.

Lucas (21:50):

Right. And then after wrestling, a lot of people will gorge themselves Yeah. And overeat. Yeah.

Christy (21:55):

And you could, that, that sets you up for a lifetime of patterned eating in that way. I've got, I've got a couple kids that have graduated now and then they're finding us out 'cause they would, they would bulk up for football in the fall. And they would, you know, get big so they could bust some noggins or whatever. And then <laugh>. And then, then they'd get to wrestling and they're like, well, I'll just cut 35 pounds for wrestling. I'm like, you're gonna cut 35 pounds for wrestling.

Lucas (22:19):

Right. And how long did they give themselves?

Christy (22:20):

Like a week, two weeks maybe. There's not that much time between sports. It's like immediate. So then they start cutting and then it's, it's so that the pattern kind of, they, they bulk and the cut they bulk and the cut. And now they're like adults and they're like, I'm bulking. And now I, but there's no cut <laugh> because I don't have to cut. And who wants to do that? And so they're like trying to figure out, get their bo because they wrestlers also start when you're really little.

Lucas (22:46):

Yeah.

Christy (22:46):

And so you're talking, you know, 15 years of, of eating like that. And it's like, it's hard to get rid of. The patterns are really hard to, to change.

Lucas (22:56):

Yeah. It, it creates a very unhealthy relationship with food. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And I know we're focusing a lot on wrestling, but like gymnastics, swimming, all of those sports, they they do, they can do this with swimming. You're trying to lose some weight so you can swim faster. I mean, we're talking about like milliseconds here Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> faster. Which doesn't seem like a big deal to maybe us who don't swim, but that's the world. To them.

Christy (23:22):

Well, and I think, you know, putting that into perspective, you look at like sports like running or swimming or gymnastics where you just have to tweak something a little bit and it makes a huge difference that causes patterns to possibly go into like this perfectionistic sort of.

Lucas (23:37):

Almost obsessive.

Christy (23:38):

Yeah. Pattern. 'cause It's like when you're running and it's like you just gotta get off the block like a half a second quicker. Or you wanna shave three seconds off your mile or swimming and you're, you need to, like, we're watching the Olympics, like those people, it's like 0.2 tenths of a second or something. And then, and that's, that's the difference between gold and silver. And they're still real fast. <Laugh>, <laugh>, They're still really fast. But those perfectionistic qualities can like carry you, you carry that with you into adulthood and it's like nothing is ever good enough. And that's not a good place to be either.

Lucas (24:13):

Right. It's another mentality that a lot of athletes have. Mm-Hmm. Especially in when you start getting into more of an elite status. Because they don't ever want to be complacent. And I totally get that. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And that's in, you know, just by itself is not necessarily a bad thing. But it's everything in moderation. If you take that to an extreme and apply that to every part of your life, you're never gonna feel a success in your life. And that's not healthy. You're gonna bring on anxiety, which you probably already have if you have this mentality <laugh>. And you're gonna feel like a failure all the time. So

Christy (24:43):

That's not good enough.

Lucas (24:45):

It's, yeah. It's just not healthy.

Christy (24:46):

Got kids that'll win state championships and they're like, well, what's next? How, how am I gonna get faster for next year? It's like, can we just accept the fact that you are the best person in the state at your given sport? And like, celebrate that for a minute. And it's so hard for them to do that.

Lucas (25:01):

Yeah, and there's a different, so like yeah. There's a difference between trying to push yourself to get better and obsessing Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> over that because we, and as parents, we wanna teach our kids to celebrate those successes when they happen. Where I've seen many parents who are constantly trying to push their kids to be better, to be better, to be better. Which again, by, its like, it's not necessarily a bad thing. But when that's all we focus on and it goes to an extreme now, it's unhealthy.

Christy (25:27):

Right. When you don't celebrate the wins along the way.

Lucas (25:30):

Yeah.

Christy (25:30):

I think I think of golf in that same way because it's just like the way that your hips move or the way the way that you swing a club and if the face is open, it's we're talking yards. Right. To a golf swing. I am a very mediocre golfer. Extraordinarily mediocre. Like, I could go out and shoot par or I could go out and shoot double par <laugh>. Like, it's just, that's just what is what it's, and I, I have a, one of my good friends as a golf pro, and he had always said to me, Christie, give me, I can give you three lessons and you'd be a really good golfer. And I'm like, I don't want to be a really good golfer because I don't want this to not become fun anymore. Because the more that I obsess about something and the more I get focused on like, wanting to be better and do better and get hit farther, it really personally decreases my enjoyment of that thing. So like, no, thank you. I am fine going out and not getting upset if I have a bad golf shot. Like that is fine. I don't wanna be really good <laugh> I'm, I'm over that part of my life.

Lucas (26:29):

Absolutely. I think another big issue that we see is with sports is, is sleep.

Christy (26:33):

Yeah. That's huge.

Lucas (26:34):

With early morning practices, late night practices.

Christy (26:36):

Homework.

Lucas (26:37):

The homework, traveling.

Christy (26:38):

Friends.

Lucas (26:40):

Yeah.

Christy (26:40):

Relationships.

Lucas (26:41):

Spending time with people. It's, it can, it's hard. And when you're not sleeping, it's, you're not resting your brain. And sleep is a diagnostic criteria of like 50 million different diagnoses.

Christy (26:54):

Yep. And they wanna be a part of their family too. There's a lot of people forget about that part of life is that like you have family obligations, a lot of, I mean, a lot of kids have siblings, so we're not just talking about one kid who's running around all over the place. Sometimes you got two or three or four or more that, that you're, you're trying to and you wanna cheer them on. And it's like parents too also have to sleep. You know, <laugh>. So, I mean, figuring out where that fits in and prioritizing that is so important. 'cause If you're not sleeping, you're, you're never gonna be the best version of yourself.

Lucas (27:28):

Right. And then, I mean, competition anxiety. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> is another thing. Christie and I have both run marathons and Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> races and stuff. So like the pre-race anxiety right before.

Christy (27:38):

The mental milkshake.

Lucas (27:39):

Oh my gosh. It is

Christy (27:41):

<Laugh> <laugh>.

Lucas (27:43):

I wish everybody could have seen that <laugh>. It's intense.

Christy (27:47):

It is.

Lucas (27:47):

Um and I remember even as a kid when I was in a sport like the day before a game or the day before a big match, I was, I couldn't sleep. Yeah. It's hard.

Christy (27:54):

And they're often very irrational thoughts. Like, I'm going to forget how to shoot the ball. I'm going to forget how to, how to serve a tennis ball. Like, I'm gonna, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna sink in the water. You know, like they're completely irrational thoughts. Like, I'm gonna forget that I ran, I'm gonna, I am, I've lost all my cardiovascular health in my taper

Lucas (28:17):

<Laugh>. Right. I didn't, I didn't run enough.

Christy (28:18):

Yep, Yeah. It's like you did.

Lucas (28:20):

Right. You've been training for 18 weeks, right?

Christy (28:23):

Yep.

Lucas (28:23):

So, or like another thing that comes up is especially with some of the kids that I work with, they will make up these scenarios because we always see on TV and movies, like somebody who makes the last shot as the buzzer rings Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. And they make it and they're like, that's gonna happen to me and I'm gonna miss it and it's gonna be all my fault. And there's these crazy scenarios that don't really ever happen. And then they put all this pressure on themselves and start judging themselves for a fake situation that never happened and probably won't.

Christy (28:51):

Right. Yeah.

Lucas (28:52):

And then they can't sleep.

Christy (28:54):

No. It's like, you know, I have, I've got kids that'll they will perseverate on a shot that they missed. It's like, I missed a layup. How embarrassing. It's like, I, I guarantee you that your life is not going to be measured by you missing a layup in eighth grade basketball. I promise that's not your legacy.

Lucas (29:16):

Yeah. <Laugh>. Yep.

Christy (29:17):

I mean, and, and, but to them in that moment that is so important. It is the, it is so hard to step back and see the big picture when you're in it, but man, no one's gonna care 15 minutes later that you missed a layup. In your basketball game.

Lucas (29:32):

Another when it comes to anxiety or even just negative self-talk is when you, when kids aren't getting on the team that they want to get on.

Christy (29:39):

Yeah, Oh My Gosh.

Lucas (29:40):

It's that is not only prior to tryouts or like when they're waiting for the results, are they anxious through the roof? But then afterwards if they don't get it, it's really hard on them and can make them really, really almost like they're grieving.

Christy (29:53):

Right? Oh, for sure. I mean, I, my clients aren't just clients to me. They're people that I genuinely care about, which I think people forget. Um.

Lucas (30:03):

We call them our kids.

Christy (30:04):

Yeah. We do.

Lucas (30:04):

Like when they're kids or just my people. Right. Like, like we own them.

Christy (30:06):

We, I genuinely care about them. Like I will, when those kids are trying out for sports, I will go home and sometimes I'll email their parents and be like, I I need you to tell me what, what team they made because like, I'm just pulling so hard for them. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And if I, if I put myself in the shoes of like a parent or the child that's wanting to get on that team, it's like, man, if I'm this nervous, I can't imagine how they're feeling. You know?

Lucas (30:29):

Yeah. And there's, there's some ways that we can help as parents with that and having those conversations of like, no matter what happens, I'm, I'm proud of you. And I know this is important to you, but, and at the same time, like it's gonna be okay no matter what. Um a lot of times it just takes a little bit of a shift of how you think about it too. So a lot of times kids will, they won't get on the, the team they wanna get on and it's because I suck. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> when in reality it could be that they had to be that good in order to beat you right off of, out of the team. So they must be really, really good. The example I give for kids is like, if I were to play, if I were to try out to be a wide receiver against Justin Jefferson, <laugh> wide receiver for the Minnesota Vikings.

Christy (31:11):

In case you didn't know.

Lucas (31:11):

In case you didn't know, I, no matter how good I am, even if I'm like relatively decent at catching a ball, he's gonna beat me. Every time. But that may not be because I suck. It's just, he's amazing.

Christy (31:25):

Right. Speaking of the Olympics, I was watching the Olympics and they had people who were really good swimmers. Like, I think that they were, they weren't Olympians, but they were like really good swimmers and they had an Olympian swim with them just to kind of give scale to like how talented, wildly talented these people are. And that Olympian kicked their butt. Like I lapped him <laugh>.

Lucas (31:47):

That's insane.

Christy (31:47):

But they were really good swimmers, but like Michael Phelps was gonna beat you.

Lucas (31:51):

Right.

Christy (31:52):

You know?

Lucas (31:52):

Yeah. It doesn't mean you suck, it just means you're going against Michael Phelps. Like when he swims, he makes like a wake behind him. Like it's like a boat.

Christy (32:01):

Well, and and that's, that's why there's classes right. In the state because I mean, when you, when you've got all of Fargo to pick from, you're gonna get some pretty top tier athletes more than what you're gonna get if you go to a small little school like Spicer, Minnesota, you know? Although we have, we, we breed some good athletes out there.

Lucas (32:21):

Yeah?

Christy (32:21):

Yeah. Very talented, very talented town. But like, but the but the smaller the town, the smaller the pool you have to choose from. You know? You, that's why you have classes. You're not going against bad teams or good teams or you're going against evenly matched people.

Lucas (32:36):

Right. So speaking of just like specific sports, what are some like I'll just, I'll pick a couple of sports and we can talk about maybe some specific things that we've seen with those. So let's go football. 'cause It's football season right now.

Christy (32:49):

Yeah. Sure is.

Lucas (32:50):

Um one of the big things I see with football, or one of the big concerns is concussions. I mean, it's a collision sport. And <laugh> kids will, I'm not saying I ever did this <laugh>, but kids will hit their heads really hard and not tell anyone.

Christy (33:07):

Oh, for sure.

Lucas (33:08):

Um because they, they wanna keep playing. And.

Christy (33:10):

And sometimes the coaches want them to keep playing too. So they kind of ignore the fact that they just got rocked.

Lucas (33:15):

Yeah. And if you don't know, if you have a concussion and you don't get it looked at or don't rest and don't let it heal and you get hit again, you can cause brain damage. Um.

Christy (33:24):

And even a concussion can cause brain damage.

Lucas (33:25):

Yeah. Even one time. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. But the more you continue to play without resting and letting it heal, the more da danger you're gonna be in.

Christy (33:33):

Right. I think that's, I mean, we talk about playing through injury really in general. And I think football is probably the worst at that. Oh, wrestling too. Maybe hockey. There's a lot of 'em. But like, I mean, how many times do you see these, they they get hurt and you can see them get hurt and they're limping off the field, then they're back in. You know, like two plays later if that.

Lucas (33:53):

Right.

Christy (33:54):

And it's like, ugh.

Lucas (33:56):

Well there's the Miami Dolphin I forget his name. The player who got really injured and then he got a concussion and.

Lucas (34:02):

Tua?

Lucas (34:03):

Maybe. Yeah. And then he had a seizure.

Christy (34:05):

Oh yeah.

Lucas (34:06):

In a later game. It's a great example of what I'm talking about.

Christy (34:09):

Yeah, exactly. You just never, you just never really know. And so if you're a coach or you're a parent or you're a kid that's listening to this, don't play through your injuries. Like get them looked at, get 'em, get them. Because I'll tell you what, if you play on an injury and then it, it gets worse, then you're out. And when you talk about mental health and being out for the season.

Lucas (34:28):

Oh man.

Christy (34:29):

That is not it.

Lucas (34:31):

That's a killer.

Christy (34:32):

Yeah. I mean, well this is, I'm going down a rabbit hole here, but.

Lucas (34:35):

Let's go down it <laugh>.

Christy (34:37):

But so, so much of people's identity when you play a sport is wrapped up in that's it's wrapped, wrapped up in, and this is who you are.

Lucas (34:45):

We saw that with Covid.

Christy (34:45):

Yeah, exactly. And those kids, it just got taken away from them. And they still are probably dealing with, and we are still dealing with the fallout from some of that when kids didn't get to finish their senior seasons or whatever the case may be. But when your whole identity is wrapped up in something and then you go out and get injured and you can't do the thing Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, Ugh.

Lucas (35:04):

You have to watch your team.

Christy (35:05):

Yeah.

Lucas (35:05):

Succeed or fail without you.

Christy (35:09):

Right.

Lucas (35:09):

That's hard.

Christy (35:09):

That is brutal. Even as, even as an adult. I am, I, we know that I'm a runner, blah, blah, blah, Christie, we've heard you say that, but like, I'll get injured and then if I'm not running, I do not feel like myself. It just takes so much away because I've got a community of people that I run with and that I talk to about running and Oh my God, I'll talk to you about running till the calls come home <laugh>. Which is really annoying. But when you can't, and then you, and if you registered for a race and you can't participate in the race that you registered for. That you worked so hard for, like, ugh. That's brutal.

Lucas (35:40):

That's heartbreaking.

Christy (35:41):

Yes. And that, and that's kids with their sports. If you've spent your whole life honest to God, working up to like winning a state title and then you get, you get injured and you cannot play a senior season, the impact that that has on mental health is so brutal.

Lucas (35:58):

It is. Yeah. One of the, a lot of times we get kids when they've been injured Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> because they're, they're just not doing well. It's, it's really hard. And they wanna get back in so bad Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. And they'll, they will sometimes lie Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> about their symptoms in order to get back in there. And I don't necessarily blame them.

Christy (36:16):

No.

Lucas (36:16):

It's been there.

Lucas (36:17):

I get it, I get it.

Lucas (36:17):

Been there. But it's why it's important to have to try to help our kids have like a more expansive repertoire of what, like who they are. So that if a piece of them can't, like if they can't perform a sport, then they don't feel like they're totally lost.

Christy (36:34):

Right. I always say focus on what you can do and not what you can't do. Because it, it's very easy to get wrapped up in what you can't do. But if you can somehow make the mental leap to be like, okay, I maybe can't play but I can cheer or I maybe can't run, but I can bike or I can swim. This is how runners become triathletes is because they get injured and they start doing the things that they can do. And then they, and then that's, that's a really slippery slope. But what can you do? 'cause If you keep sitting and focusing on the things that are literally impossible for you to participate in, that's a real dark place to be. And as we've said before, thoughts are very powerful.

Lucas (37:08):

Yeah. Hockey.

Christy (37:09):

Hockey.

Lucas (37:09):

We have a lot of hockey players up here.

Christy (37:11):

We do.

Lucas (37:11):

And they are a different, they're just built different.

Christy (37:13):

They are built different.

Lucas (37:15):

Them and their families. Yeah. They tra you guys travel so much

Christy (37:20):

<Laugh> All the time.

Lucas (37:21):

I could never.

Christy (37:22):

No. And all year round.

Lucas (37:24):

All year round. And it's, it's just nonstop. And even, like, even during the summer, you guys have camps going on.

Christy (37:29):

Yes.

Lucas (37:30):

And like, it is just, you guys have like these little communities of people like hockey moms and dads. And you guys all know each other and there's tons of drama.

Christy (37:38):

And they, they all know each other. Yes. <laugh>.

Lucas (37:40):

It's just, with the parents and kids.

Christy (37:42):

Yes.

Lucas (37:42):

There's drama.

Christy (37:43):

There's a lot going on.

Lucas (37:44):

It's Yeah. It could be like a TV show.

Christy (37:46):

Yeah. That is, that's that's another one where it's like, what team are they gonna make?

Lucas (37:50):

Yep. That's a big one for that.

Christy (37:53):

Yeah. It's, it is. And there's, there's just not a repreeve from it because it's, and that, and if you look at, I mean, rink time. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, we hear that all the time. Well, we gotta play at nine 30 at night because that's the only time that we can get on rink time. 'cause There's so many hockey teams.

Lucas (38:08):

Yeah. They, well they, and they all, and then they're all traveling, like I said. And then these tournaments that they have Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> are huge. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. And then they have to stay in hotels constantly every weekend. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> a lot of times they feel like they're never home. They can't get their homework done. And there's just, there's so much pressure to perform well Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> in this sport as, and there is pressure in every sport, but hockey is just, is something.

Christy (38:32):

Yeah. I always tell parents to check in with their kids to make sure Sure. They're still enjoying it. To be like, you know, we have been really busy. Are you, is is this still something you wanna do? Or, and, and not, and again, kids can get really sensitive, so you don't wanna do it in a way where it's like you don't wanna do it. 'cause They'll be like, oh, are you sick of, are you sick of dragging me around town <laugh>? You know, because you don't wanna do it like that. But it's just, just to make sure that they're still enjoying it and that they're taking care of themselves and, and getting their other obligations met because it's real easy to get wrapped up in all. And which is, which is great a lot, a lot of those hockey players, they love it. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, they, they love that lifestyle. They is good for them, it feeds them, whatever. But if it feels like it's draining you more than it's feeding you then maybe need to take a step back.

Lucas (39:15):

Yes. Gymnastics.

Christy (39:18):

Yeah. Oh my gosh.

Lucas (39:19):

<Laugh>, we talked a little bit about this already, but they're very prone to eating disorders. And gymnasts are perfectionists.

Christy (39:26):

Yes, they are. Because they have to be. They will, they will go and they'll, they'll will complete a stunt and it would be beautiful. And then they'll be like, but how can you do it better? Like, it's very rare that they're like, oh my gosh, yes. You killed it. They're Mm. Nope. Now what? Now how can we do that faster, tighter, whatever it is. It's just like there's no, you're, they're never good enough.

Lucas (39:47):

Yeah. Or more complicated. How do I make this a fancier trick so that I get more points or, or whatever. And then there's so many variables when they're doing tricks and jumps and you have to, everything just has to be perfect. Um and it's also just very injury prone.

Christy (40:03):

Right. And this is with diving too. You are judged.

Lucas (40:07):

Yeah.

Christy (40:08):

Like, literally people are judging you <laugh>. Like, which is my nightmare. If I had to be judged and someone gave me a number that told me what I was worth, could you imagine?

Lucas (40:20):

No. <laugh>,

Christy (40:21):

We would die. But this is what they do every time they go out and compete. They compete and then they wait for someone to judge them and tell them how good they are.

Lucas (40:29):

Right. And everybody's eyes are on them.

Christy (40:32):

Right. And they're already perfectionists. And so they're probably, they're probably the kids that get mad when they get an A minus, you know, <laugh>. And so they're like, so when they go out there and they don't get a 10. You, you do, you know how hard it is to get a 10 in gymnastics? I really don't, because I can't, I can't do a somersault.

Lucas (40:47):

I have no idea. I imagine that's intense though.

Christy (40:49):

But from what my kids tell me, it's, it's hard to get a 10. And so like to obtain perfection for a perfectionist is impossible. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. Could you I, ugh. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. Because if I get, if I don't score perfectly on something, granted I'm an anxious person, I hated that. Like I did not like that. But to be judged on, on really how I present and look like and how well I do something, think if our, we love our boss. Hi Shelby. Could you...

Lucas (41:18):

Hi Shelby <laugh>.

Christy (41:19):

Could you imagine if every time we left work, Shelby was like, you know what, 7.5 today, Lucas?

Lucas (41:25):

Oh my god. <Laugh>. That's making me sweat just thinking about it.

Christy (41:30):

Oh, that'd be so terrible. And that's what they, that's what they, they face every time they go up there. So, and, and a lot of kids really do love it. They, they, they thrive on that and they love it, whatever. But it's just something to find some empathy for the stuff that these kids are doing. Because it takes a, it takes a lot of mental gymnastics, like Simone Biles style gymnastics up there in the head to like get up there and do the stuff they're doing. They're really brave and they should be proud of them for even trying.

Lucas (41:56):

Absolutely. Yep. So then with, with our kids, we, a big question we get a lot is like, do I push them through? Like if they're struggling, do I push them through this or do I, do we, do we stop? Like how do they, how do we know what that line is? Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And I think that that's different for every kid.

Christy (42:14):

It is different for every kid. We say this to parents all the time. You are the expert on your kid. You know your kid better than anybody does. If your gut is telling you something is off, have the conversation and listen to what they have to say. 'cause Sometimes, sometimes it just takes a conversation for a kid to like, just like, this is what's going on. This is what's happening.

Lucas (42:33):

That noise scared me.

Christy (42:34):

Sorry. <Laugh>. <Laugh>. I scared myself. Sometimes they just need to get it off their chest and then they feel better. Talking about how you feel makes you feel better. It's like therapy works or something, but. If you can just say it out loud, name it to tame it. I say that all the time. If you can identify how you're feeling and you can say it out loud, it, it decreases the intensity of that emotion. Same thing happens with sports. You can be really frustrated with a sport. I think of sports that I loved, like loved to play and I was still really frustrated and anxious sometimes. And I could just, just talking about it would make you feel better.

Lucas (43:05):

Yeah. And I think if so like warning signs for like when to know when to start having those conversations. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. 'cause I'm sure this will come to a shock to a lot of parents, but sometimes teenagers and kids don't want to talk about their problems with their parents.

Christy (43:16):

Whaaat?

Lucas (43:17):

I know it's strange, but sometimes it happens. <Laugh>. And if that's your kid...

Christy (43:22):

And that doesn't make you a bad parent.

Lucas (43:24):

Right. Ooh. Yeah. Good one. If that's your kid, first off, that's normal. But secondly there's some things to watch out for. So if you're having some, if there's some large emotions after losses or they're putting too much importance on their sport, like maybe it's, it's a sign of who they are. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> rather than just what they do. Like losing something. It's not just, I lost, it's I'm a loser. Right. There's a fine line there. If they start becoming really angry easily, maybe they're getting more penalties Mm-Hmm. In their games or maybe they're not getting as much playtime. Or maybe

Christy (43:57):

They, if they're throwing their golf clubs.

Lucas (43:59):

Yes.

Christy (44:00):

You know?

Lucas (44:00):

Yeah. That's another good thing.

Christy (44:01):

I've never done that.

Lucas (44:02):

Yeah. I'm sure you haven't <laugh> <laugh>. So just any sort of really just any sort of behavioral change. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> is, can be a red flag and just something to, to ask about.

Christy (44:11):

Right. Yeah. And I think when you, when you talk about having conversations with your kids, and if, if you have a kid that you feel like is maybe not opening up to you, let's look for a therapist because kids will tell us stuff that they don't tell their parents. And that is not a reflection of parenting. That's nothing. That's, you have a really normal kid who doesn't wanna worry their parents. Who doesn't wanna make them feel like they're doing something wrong. Kids are very, a lot of kids are very sensitive to how they make their parents feel. And they, and this is, I don't, there's gotta be some scientific, something about this, I don't know. But I will have kids that have the most supportive parents in the land in all of the world. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, like just great, wonderful parents. And every time the kids will say, well, I don't wanna let my parents down. And it's like, they have given you no reason to believe that if you don't do something or you do something not as well as you want to, that they're gonna be mad or disappointed at all. Like they have said all the right things. They have done all the right things, but it is just innate in kids sometimes. That they are going to be disappointing their parents.

Lucas (45:16):

Right. I have a couple of those too, where they feel like they have to be perfect and, but I, when I asked them, well, okay, do your, do your parents think you have to be perfect? Like, well, no. I said, so like, if you got a C in a class, how would that make you feel? And they start sweating. Um and I'm like, well, how would your parents feel? And they're like, they'd be fine with it. It, it is just interesting. How that happens. I think there's the big thing is I think there's a biological component to that. Um.

Christy (45:38):

There's gotta be.

Lucas (45:39):

Right. Brain's not producing enough serotonin making you anxious. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, whatever.

Christy (45:43):

Yep.

Lucas (45:43):

But it's not necessarily a reflection upon you and your parenting. Sometimes it just happens. Just like somebody who is born with diabetes, it's not because you parented 'em wrong <laugh>, it's just how their body was developed.

Christy (45:58):

Yep. And that's, and that is just fine.

Lucas (46:02):

Yep. Focusing on what they're telling you. So if, if is another thing that we need to look at. So if you have a kid who's coming up to you and saying, I'm really stressed, I'm feeling overwhelmed because of my sport, or I'm not really having a lot of fun. Or maybe they just look like they're not having a lot of fun, or they're getting really frustrated with teammates or whatever, let's have a conversation. Is, is this something you want to continue doing? Because we want it to be fun.

Christy (46:21):

Right. And sometimes it can be, it doesn't, sometimes it really isn't necessarily the sport. I have seen coaches ruin the fun <laugh> of things. Teammate drama sometimes ruins the fun of things. And so like to figure out exactly where, where the breakdown is and why they're not enjoying what they're doing is also important too. 'cause Some things you can kind of fix, some things you can address and, you know, kind of figure out. And, and then the enjoyment will come back to the sport. Sometimes it really just is that the sport is making them miserable. But if there, if it, if it's the coach or if it's, if it's friend stuff or whatever, I mean that, that is maybe stuff that we can work through and kind of talk to the coach and do those kinds of things. But if it, if it's none of those things and it's just really that the sport is making them miserable <laugh>. Then, you know.

Lucas (47:07):

Right. Like if it's a fight every single day to get in the car and go to the sport Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, let's maybe just try a different sport or do something else. Like it's not worth it.

Christy (47:15):

That's no the power struggle that you wanna choose.

Lucas (47:17):

Yeah. Um but like Christie was saying, like if there's a coach that's maybe we're not getting along with a coach. It is, there is a value in trying to figure out how to get along with people that you maybe don't like. Especially people that are above you in authority. But there's a difference between not getting along with a coach and the coach like being actually mean. And bullying your child. Because that happens.

Christy (47:36):

It does.

Lucas (47:37):

And so, and if that, in that case, like A report the coach, but let's maybe pull your kid from that sport. 'cause They don't need to be abused by a coach. That's not okay.

Christy (47:46):

No. Or it could just be that that coach's approach doesn't really work for the kid. I had, I had a basketball coach and he's literally like an amazing basketball coach. He's fantastic. He's like one coach the year, several years. But he has a tendency to yell at people. And I shock of all shocks, Christie Wilke is not super responsive to people yelling at her. Like, that just doesn't work for me.

Lucas (48:10):

That's why you don't respond. Well when I yell at you.

Christy (48:12):

<Laugh> Yeah. I would, I'd probably be crying in a corner if you yelled at me. <Laugh>. But, but that was just his coaching style. And, and I, and we respected each other a lot, I think. And he would, he ended up coming and watching me play tennis and those sort of things. But at some point I had to be like, I can't, I can't play basketball if I'm gonna get yelled at <laugh>. And so I was just, and and like I said, I was not a great basketball player, but the coaching style just didn't work for me. And that was okay.

Lucas (48:35):

Yeah. Well, okay, so let's take a few minutes here to talk. Let's end on a positive note. So how do we, how do we help our kids make the most out of their sports?

Christy (48:43):

Oh, that's fun. Um be by being a supportive cheerleader.

Lucas (48:48):

What does that mean?

Christy (48:49):

I think, well not being the, the parent in the stands that's yelling at everybody.

Lucas (48:52):

Oh yeah.

Christy (48:53):

That's like...

Lucas (48:53):

Don't be that guy.

Christy (48:54):

No. 'cause we, we know those parents. Mm-Hmm. And then that's really difficult for a kid to have to answer to their friends about their parents or why their parents are yelling at everybody. Or the ref or the coaches just don't be that person.

Lucas (49:04):

It is so embarrassing to kids. When their parents do that. By the way, if you're a parent that does that.

Christy (49:09):

Right. It's and I think to be supportive is, is focusing on what you did. Right. And not always on what you did wrong. Because I guarantee you, if your kid is an athlete, if they mess something up, they are already going to perseverate on the thing that they've messed up all on their own. They're gonna do all of that. And it's, it's kinda like, we talk about this all the time, but it's kinda like when you get, when you get a report card and you get, you know, six a's in A and a C and everybody spends all of the time talking about the C and we don't, we're not talking about the as. We're not talking about, oh, tell me why you're so awesome at Art <laugh>. You know? Tell me why you, you, you slayed English. No. The same goes with sports. And they watch, they watch their mistakes over and over when they have to watch film or do whatever and then they have to come home and talk about the mistakes that they made. Let's talk about the good things that happened that we can expand on too. Rather than always focusing on the bad thing.

Lucas (50:04):

Right. Being a role model, scheduling rest days.

Christy (50:06):

Yeah. Oh yeah.

Lucas (50:07):

Um we don't need kids to be like, they're not pro athletes. Uhhuh. And so they don't need to be working out. Doesn't need to be their job to work out every single day. And just demonstrating that like even in your own life, if you're also an athlete Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> that's even better. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> and role modeling. Positive attitudes with your kids. So practicing losing gracefully. At home. I do this with kids in my office all the time. If I know that they don't lose very well Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, I will play games with them. And I, I have a rule in my office where I never let people win no matter, no matter what <laugh>. Because it's important to learn how to lose. And so if you, if your child struggles with that, that could be something maybe you do at home. But starting that really young can get them ready for those things.

Christy (50:46):

Right. But role, role modeling that supportive, good game sort of mentality is really important.

Lucas (50:53):

Right. Both losing and winning gracefully. 'cause We don't want somebody who wins and gets up and starts making fun of people.

Christy (50:57):

Right.

Lucas (50:57):

Either. Right?

Christy (50:58):

No, that's not cool.

Lucas (50:59):

So, checking in on your kids periodically, we've talked about that many times today just on how they're feeling with their sports. And encouraging them to maybe spend time with their teammates outside of the sport to build more friendships. Can be really good. Can help them feel more connected to their teammates and then they're enjoying the sport more. Mm-Hmm.

Christy (51:15):

<Affirmative>. But also not pushing them to do that if they need to. If they are people that need to recharge their social battery. Like they don't have to be with people all of the time. You know, like just listen. Listen to them and what they need. And if they're saying I just need to be at home, that's okay. They can be at home for a little bit too.

Lucas (51:34):

Yeah. Trying different sports. Yeah. Just because you might be a football family does not mean that your kid likes football. Maybe they're a tennis kid. Have 'em try a bunch of different things, see what they like. Um and even if they're good at something but maybe they don't like it, let them play what they enjoy. 'cause That's what's important.

Christy (51:53):

Don't live through your child.

Lucas (51:55):

Right. We don't need to relive the glory days.

Christy (51:57):

Yes. And you don't need to live vicariously through them either to make them do the things that you wish that you would've done as a kid. So now you're pushing your kid to do that. Your child is not you, your child is their very own individual self and so make sure to treat them like that. And he, sometimes we do have to check ourselves a little bit to be like, ugh. Like if Ollie grew up and he didn't like hiking like that is kind of like a Ugh.

Lucas (52:20):

That's a bummer.

Christy (52:20):

Yeah, it's a bummer. But you know, you kind of have to figure out how to work through that and get for it. And it's gonna be just fine.

Lucas (52:25):

It will be just fine.

Christy (52:27):

He's an outdoor kid anyway.

Lucas (52:28):

He's such an outdoor kid. Can't get him inside <laugh>. And at the end of the day, be their biggest fan.

Christy (52:35):

Always. Yes.

Lucas (52:36):

Just always be their biggest fan. Show up, be there, celebrate with them. It's supposed to be...

Christy (52:41):

Bring rice crispy bars.

Lucas (52:41):

Yeah. It's supposed to be fun for everyone. So we always want to encourage you to ask the question, is it just me? You're likely not alone. And there is always a way to help. If anything we have talked about today resonates with you, please reach out.

Christy (52:51):

Do you have a topic you'd like us to talk about? Message us. We'd love to hear from you. You can send us text messages, dms, Facebooks carrier, pigeons.

Lucas (52:59):

Smoke signals.

Christy (53:00):

Smoke signals. We've got a email address. Isitjustme@Dakotaranch.Org. Which I found out that our boss actually checks for us, so that's nice.

Lucas (53:07):

Oh, that's cool.

Christy (53:07):

Yeah. I didn't know that.

Lucas (53:09):

Oh.

Christy (53:09):

Great.

Lucas (53:09):

Go Shelby.

Lucas (53:10):

Yeah, let us know what you wanna <laugh> go Shelbs. Let us know what you wanna hear.

Lucas (53:13):

And don't forget to share us with your friends and family.

Announcer (53:16):

Thanks for listening to today's episode of Is It Just Me? To learn more or make an appointment for psychiatric or mental health services at Dakota Family Services, go to dakotafamilyservices.org or call 1 800-2 0 1-64 95.

Other Podcast Episodes