How to Fit In While Staying True to Yourself
Episode Description
Humans are hardwired for social connection, but it can be difficult knowing where to fit in as unique individuals. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and therapist Christy Wilkie talk about the importance of using your strengths, interests, and relationships to figure out where you belong. They also touch on signs that you might not be staying true to yourself, as well as how to handle feelings of being left out.What to Expect
- The importance of knowing your interests
- How to manage feelings of being left out
- How to know if you’re not being true to yourself
Resources: Learn More
- "How to Be a Friend: A Guide to Making Friends and Keeping Them," by Laurie Krasny Brown & Marc Brown
- "Reasons to Stay Alive," by Matt Haig
Things to Think About
- Nobody is good at everything. Discovering your unique strengths can help you figure out who you are and where you best fit in.
- Focus on things that will make you better for yourself rather than better for other people.
About the Hosts
Christy Wilkie provides therapy for children, adolescents, and young adults who have complex behavioral health issues. She combines her extensive clinical expertise with her belief in kids, and has a unique ability to find and develop their strengths. She works hard to be an ideal therapist for the clients she is working with and doing what is best to fit their needs. Christy typically provides cognitive behavioral therapy augmented with motivational interviewing and psychoeducation, but she is trained in other modalities as well.
Transcript
How to Fit In While Staying True to Yourself
Featuring Christy Wilkie, LCSW, Dakota Family Services
Host Tim Unsinn:
Welcome to Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services at outpatient behavioral health Clinic, located in Minot, Bismarck, and Fargo, North Dakota. In this podcast, I will talk with our experts about understanding and nurturing our mental health and wellness. I'm your host, Tim Unsinn. Join me each episode as we explore the intricacies of our minds, decrease the stigma of mental illness, learn practical tips for managing our mental health and wellbeing, and recognize when it's time to ask for help. Join me now to mind your mind. Welcome to this episode of Mind Your Mind. Our guest is Christy Wilke. Christy is a therapist in Fargo and provides outpatient therapy for children and adolescents, ages 5 to 25. Christy, great to have you on Mind Your Mind. Our topic is how to fit in while staying true to yourself. Can't wait to get to the topic. However, before we do that, the question I ask is, why do you do what you do?
Christy Wilkie:
I do what I do because I've always been drawn to help people. I grew up in a house that, my dad was a therapist and my mom was in social services. My brothers are in social services. And so it's always been a passion of mine, for someone to always have a safe space to think through and talk through what they're going through and realize that it can be better.
Host Tim Unsinn:
I love that. Very good. Yeah. When you're surrounded by people that are helping, it's hard not to be a helper, right?
Christy Wilkie:
It is.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Yep. Alright. Our topic is how to fit in while staying true to yourself. So how do you figure out where you fit in first?
Christy Wilkie:
Well, that's a good question because I think sometimes people try to fit in in places where they don't really even want to, but it's difficult to see a group of people doing something be like, man, I really wish I was part of that, but they don't really know why. So figuring out where you fit in is as important as figuring out where do you want to fit in. What are the things about you that you like? What are the things that you're good at? Instead of focusing on the things you don't have, what are the things that you do have that you think you can bring to a group of people? It's about instead of looking at all the things that you're not a part of, what can you be a part of? What is, what does that bigger picture look like for you?
Christy Wilkie:
And what are you going to enjoy? Because a lot of times people will find themselves in clubs or organizations or even sports where they realize maybe halfway through that they're really not even enjoying it. And part of wanting to fit in is wanting it to be a good experience. People in general are hardwired for connection, and so they want to be like, they want to be a part of something, but it's really important to figure out that being a part of something is going to make your life better rather than bring you more stress.
Host Tim Unsinn:
So if you're not fitting in, maybe it's time to look elsewhere. So how do I start to figure out who I am and what is important to me?
Christy Wilkie:
Yeah, that is a really good question because I think a lot of times people always look at what they're not instead of what they are. So a lot of this comes with doing some self-esteem building and identifying what are you good at? What are the things that you like to do? What are things that other people like about you? One of the exercises I have a lot of my kids do is to go around and pick five people in their life and have each one of those five people give them three words to describe them. And most people are really shocked at some of the things that people say back to them because in their heads they're thinking people are gonna say bad things or that they don't see these things about people. And they're like, oh my gosh, that's me. That's me.
Christy Wilkie:
And so sometimes when you can't figure out who you are yourself, you lean on your friends and your family and help them, and they can help you kind of figure out maybe who you are and what they see your strengths to be. And then based on those strengths, where is a place that you want to use those strengths, which is a huge self-esteem building thing. A lot of times people will be like, they're never gonna like me. They don't like me. I'm not as good as they are. I'm not as great of a basketball player. I'm not as great at baking or whatever it is that they wanna fit in doing. Instead of looking at it like, all of your deficits think, what can I learn from doing this? We go into a lot of things, not good at everything. That's why we go to school, because if we knew everything, we wouldn't have to go.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Well, and that's the way society is though for us. You think of going to school, you come home with your report card and you've got a couple of A's and you've got a C and what do our parents focus on? They focus on the C instead of the A's. Your strengths are the A's focus on the A's the C's gonna take care of itself at some level. But what you like to do is, what I'm hearing you say, is go for those things.
Christy Wilkie:
Absolutely. And I think a lot of people also, they think they have to fit in everywhere all of the time. So they adjust who they are to kind of fit the situation. And at that point, you're not really being true to yourself and who you are. You don't have to fit in everywhere. You don't have to be good at every subject in school. And that's okay. And accepting that we all have our strengths and our weaknesses and they're all part of who we are, that's okay.
Host Tim Unsinn:
So it's easy to say, go after your strengths. So if someone's listening saying, I'm going after my strengths, but I need to manage those emotions of feeling like I'm left out.
Christy Wilkie:
I think a big thing, especially with kids and even with adults is that with social media, people feel left out a lot of the time because it looks like there's all this really cool stuff that people are doing and all these parties that everybody's invited to and they're sitting at home and they feel like the world is like turning around them and they're just not doing anything. And it's always important. I think taking a social media break when that happens is always good. Reminding yourself that social media is a highlight reel. It is a snippet in time. It is a one second glimpse of what's going on, and that most of the time people aren't posting about the times when they're bored at home or that they're fighting with somebody or that they're just kind of bored or I mean, that's not Snapchat worthy when you're bored.
Christy Wilkie:
And so you're not seeing that. And so that is one way. Another way is to just find ways to distract yourself and do something that you really enjoy doing. I think most people have at least one or two things that really bring them joy and kind of distract your thoughts and taking it off of what, what everybody else is doing and where I'm not fitting in and saying, okay, how can I create this moment of peace for myself and, and do something that I'm feeling good about in this moment, which is really hard to do, but it is helpful to be able to do that.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Well, you're listening to Mind Your Mind and our guest is Christy Wilkie. Christy is a therapist in Fargo and provides outpatient therapy for kids and adolescents ages 5 to 25. How might I know if I am not being true to myself?
Christy Wilkie:
I think one of the big things is if you find yourself doing things that you don't feel good about. We all kind of have that feeling in your gut when you're participating in something and you're like, I don't really feel good about doing this. That's probably a good indication that you need to kind of listen to your gut a little bit. I think the other thing is if you're doing things that are not fun anymore, if you're finding yourself in this group or whatever, and it's just not fun. I mean, maybe that's because you're not doing something that really you wanna do and you're maybe doing it for someone else, which is a trap that a lot of kids fall into. It's like, well, my parents would be upset if I don't play whatever, or I'll be letting my friends down if I don't do such and such and such. And when you start having those kinds of thoughts and they're not about, I want to do this, I feel good about it, that's maybe when you're not being true to yourself
Host Tim Unsinn:
And you'll feel so much better if you learn the two letter word. And that is no.
Christy Wilkie:
That is so true. That is so true. I think the other trap that people fall into is that they like things just 'cause other people like them, like bandwagon football fans. I mean, that's just one example, but like getting into something because it's just what everybody else is doing, rather than it really being what you wanna do and you're like, I don't really like playing Fortnite, but everybody else is doing it, so I'm gonna do it. That's maybe when you're not being true to yourself either.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Yeah. So I'm hearing you say, find things that are gonna make you better for yourself, not better for other people.
Christy Wilkie:
Absolutely. Very well said.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Alright, Mind Your Mind is what you're listening to, Christy has been our guest. We always appreciate your time and talent. And before you go, what do you do personally to mind your mind?
Christy Wilkie:
You know, this might be a little controversial, but I feel like people need permission to use their PTO, and I do. So, it's a benefit you're given for a reason, to take time off of work, and I take time to myself and on those days when I just kind of have some time to myself to use it really wisely and do things that are, that make me feel better, and I get a little break sometimes. There's no shame in that.
Host Tim Unsinn:
No. And there's probably therapy for some of us that PTO it feels guilty to take it. Okay. So I'll be in to see you soon.
Christy Wilkie:
Please do.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Thank you so much. Always appreciate you and I appreciate you being on Mind Your Mind.
Christy Wilkie:
Thank you for having me.
Host Tim Unsinn:
Thank you for joining us for Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services. For more information, links to additional resources, contact information, and much more, go to dakotafamilyservices.org.
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In this episode of Mind Your Mind, our host Tim Unsinn talks with Dakota Family Services therapist Jessie Mertz about the “3 R’s”—Regulate, Relate, and Reason. They discuss what each term means, how they build upon each other, and how this approach can help you calm others who are experiencing distress.;
What is Schizophrenia?
Schizophrenia is a chronic, complex mental health disorder that affects around 1% of people in the United States. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and psychiatrist Dr. Wayne Martinsen discuss the symptoms and implications of schizophrenia, touching on its many effects on individual and family life. Learn about how schizophrenia is treated, how it affects physical health, when it tends to develop, and how it is perceived between cultures.;
How to Have a Conversation About Mental Health
Although the stigma surrounding mental health is gradually disappearing, it can still be tricky knowing how to talk about it. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and psychologist Megan Spencer explore how to have a conversation with someone about their mental health, including signs that you should talk to them, how to start the conversation, and some possible reactions to expect from the other person.;
The Benefits of Being Outside
Are you feeling cooped up indoors? Join host Tim Unsinn and therapist Lucas Mitzel in this episode of Mind Your Mind as they discuss the importance of getting outside on your mental health. Learn about the benefits of green and blue spaces, activities you can do while outside, and how being outside can help improve symptoms of different mental health diagnoses.;
Dealing With Burnout
In this episode of Mind Your Mind, Tim Unsinn talks with psychologist Dr. Hannah Baczynski about the signs of burnout, how to prevent it, and how to know if your burnout is related to general life stressors or a mental health disorder. They also talk about the difference between fatigue and burnout, as well as how to support yourself and alleviate burnout when you’re experiencing it.;
Living with Chronic Illness
Many of us know someone who has been diagnosed with a chronic illness, or have been diagnosed with one ourselves. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with therapist April Morris about how chronic illness can impact daily living and mental health, as well as how to seek support if you have been diagnosed with a chronic illness.;
Bipolar Disorder: Understanding the Highs and Lows
Although the term ‘bipolar’ is sometimes used as slang to describe someone who is moody or indecisive, true bipolar disorder is a complex and sometimes severe mental health disorder that affects the way a person thinks, feels, and behaves. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn discusses bipolar disorder with nurse practitioner Amanda Daggett, touching on what the disorder is, what its symptoms look like, and how it can be treated.;
Social Media: Managing Emotions & Setting Boundaries
How much time do you spend each day looking at your phone? An hour or two? Multiple hours? In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn meets with therapist Christy Wilkie to discuss how social media use can impact our mental health, relationships, and behavior. Learn tips for monitoring your child’s internet use, as well as how to manage your own time spent on social media.;
Understanding OCD
While OCD is sometimes perceived as simply a desire to keep things neat and organized, it can actually have much more severe symptoms for those who experience it. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn meets with psychologist Dr. Megan Spencer to talk about who Obsessive Compulsive Disorder affects, what its signs and symptoms are, and how to seek help if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with OCD.;
Breaking Bad Habits
Bad habits can be easy to start but sometimes very difficult to stop. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and therapist Falan Johnson talk about breaking bad habits, including where habits come from, how to know if a habit is bad, and steps you can take to stop it.;
Finding a Therapist
Are you looking for some help on your mental health journey? In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and therapist Jessie Mertz talk about how to find a therapist, including what you should know when searching and what questions to ask when you meet a therapist for the first time. They also touch on what the letters after a therapist’s name mean, and how they apply to the type of services or treatment you might be looking for.;
Coping with Rejection
Whether it’s from asking someone on a date or applying for a job, we all experience rejection at some point in our lives. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with therapist April Morris about how to cope with rejection, including the common coping stages, the importance of acceptance, and how rejection can impact people differently.;
Borderline Personality Disorder
Like other personality disorders, borderline personality disorder is a commonly misunderstood and stigmatized mental illness. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with Lucas Mitzel, a therapist at Dakota Family Services, about what BPD is, how it affects someone’s behavior, and where to seek treatment if your child has been diagnosed with BPD.;
Psychological Assessments: What to Expect
Do you think you might be suffering from an undiagnosed mental disorder? If so, a psychological assessment might be able to help. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, psychologist Dr. Hannah Baczynski and host Tim Unsinn talk about what to expect from a psychological assessment, including what an assessment might include, what information you might receive from the psychologist, and what you should communicate with your psychologist before and after receiving an assessment.;
Supplements in Psychiatry
In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and Amanda Daggett explore the topic of using supplements for mental health. In addition to talking about some of the most commonly used supplements like melatonin and St. John’s Wort, they also discuss the benefits, the risks, and the research surrounding various supplements.;
Seasonal Affective Disorder (Community Chat Series)
Feeling like you’ve got the winter blues? If you’re noticing symptoms of depression with the change of seasons, it may be a sign that you’re suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. In this special Community Chat episode of Mind Your Mind, therapists Christy Wilkie and Lucas Mitzel discuss the common symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, how it can affect other mental health disorders, and some useful tips, tricks, and resources for managing symptoms of SAD.;
Trying New Things With Confidence
Join Christy and Lucas, therapists at Dakota Family Services, as they share practical tips for building confidence when trying new things. From managing self-doubt to building resilience, this episode will empower you to approach new experiences with a positive mindset.;
Relationships are Hard
In this episode, Christy and Lucas explore why relationships can be so hard. Join them as they discuss the characteristics of both healthy and toxic relationships, talk about the difference between normal conflict and abuse, and help you discover your love languages so you and your partner can best express your love to each other.;
Is Everybody Anxious?
In this episode, Christy and Lucas explore anxiety. Join them as they discuss the signs and symptoms of an anxiety disorder, what you can do to decrease your anxiety, and how to best help loved ones struggling with anxiety.;
Is Everyone Feeling Sad
In this episode, Christy and Lucas explore depression. Join them as they discuss the signs and symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder, what you can do to help yourself feel better, and what you can do to help your loved ones. They will talk about coping strategies, therapy interventions, and ways to help you identify when your child might need extra help.;
Change is Hard
Change is inevitable. Join Christy and Lucas as they explore big and small changes and how they impact you. Learn why change can be so hard, even good change, and discover ways to manage it effectively.;
We Need to Talk About Suicide
In this episode of "Is It Just Me," Christy and Lucas discuss the very important topic of suicide. Listen to learn about risk factors, warning signs, and what you can do to help a loved one who is struggling. Remember, you are not alone. If you need immediate assistance, call 911. If you need to talk to someone, call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.;
Do We Need to Get Outside?
Join Lucas and Christy as they explore the power of spending time outdoors on mental and emotional well-being. Discover practical tips, personal anecdotes, and expert insights on the benefits of getting outside and reconnecting with nature.;
Exploring ADHD
In this episode of "Is It Just Me?" Lucas and Christy discuss ADHD, shedding light on its prevalence and impact on daily life. Learn practical strategies for managing symptoms and understand why your friend or loved one with ADHD does the things they do.;
Internet Safety and Mental Health
In this episode of "Is It Just Me?", join our hosts Christy and Lucas as they delve into the complex relationship between the internet and mental health. With the digital age bringing information and social connections to our fingertips, it also presents unique challenges and opportunities for our safety and psychological well-being.;
Boosting Self-Esteem: From Marathons to Daily Triumphs
In this episode of "Is It Just Me?", Christy and Lucas discuss how common it is for people to see themselves differently from others. Using their own personal triumphs and challenges as examples, they outline the things that shape our self-esteem. Additionally, they share simple daily practices to help listeners recognize and celebrate their own personal victories. This episode is filled with tips and engaging stories aimed at encouraging listeners to undertake challenges that foster self-growth and personal confidence.;
Therapy Unveiled: What to Know Before You Go
In this episode of "Is It Just Me," Lucas and Christy talk about what it's like to begin therapy. Feeling apprehensive about starting therapy is normal, but surmountable. Together, Lucas and Christy unravel common myths about therapy and emphasize the role of therapy in disrupting negative life patterns and routines that are no longer serving you.;
Coping with the Back-to-School Blues
In the latest episode of “Is It Just Me?” Christy and Lucas tackle the transition from leisurely summer days to structured school schedules with warmth and wisdom. This episode is a must-listen for parents seeking guidance and strategies to help navigate the shift with confidence. Learn how to handle changes in routine, the importance of communication, and strategies to help the entire family adjust to and embrace the new normal. Listening to this episode can be your first step toward making back-to-school a season of growth and positive change for all.;
The Art of Overcoming Trauma
In this month’s episode of the "Is It Just Me?" podcast, Lucas Mitzel and Christy Wilkie, Dakota Family Services, dive into the complexities of trauma and its therapy. The episode sheds light on Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) and the importance of creating a trauma narrative as a cornerstone of healing. The thoughtful discussions aim to educate listeners on the intricacies of trauma, the innovative methods used in therapy, and the role of caregivers in the recovery process. Through expert insights and compassionate storytelling, Lucas and Christy provide practical advice and real-world examples for individuals who have experienced trauma.;
Navigating Life Through Mindfulness
In this episode of “Is It Just Me?”, Lucas and Christy delve into the world of mindfulness and relaxation techniques. From body scans to mindfulness exercises, they provide a soothing experience to help you unwind and distress. Discover practical tips and advice on incorporating mindfulness into your daily routine and learn how to prioritize mental well-being in today's fast-paced world.;
Mindfulness: Body Scan
In this special additional episode of “Is It Just Me” join therapist Lucas Mitzel as he gives listeners a transformative journey within their own body and mind. In this episode, Lucas guides listeners through a soothing body scan to promote calm, mindfulness, and inner peace. This episode offers a unique mixdown of gentle narration, and relaxation techniques, leaving you feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and more connected to yourself.;