The Three R's: Regulate, Relate & Reason
Episode Description
In this episode of Mind Your Mind, our host Tim Unsinn talks with Dakota Family Services therapist Jessie Mertz about the “3 R’s”—Regulate, Relate, and Reason. They discuss what each term means, how they build upon each other, and how this approach can help you calm others who are experiencing distress.What to Expect
- What are the “3 R’s?”
- How our brains communicate
- How to regulate someone who’s upset
Resources: Learn More
- “The Three R’s: Reaching the Learning Brain,” (beaconhouse.org.uk)
- “What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing,” by Dr. Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey
- “Put Your Feelings Here: A Creative DBT Journal for Teens With Intense Emotions,” by Lisa M. Schab
Things to Think About
- When we communicate, our brains process information at multiple levels. Messages have to move through the bottom portions of the brain before they’re able to reach the cortex, which deals with rational thought and problem solving. If we’re unregulated, we’re not thinking with our cortex.
- We can’t regulate others when we’re not regulated ourselves. Check that you’re calm before trying to help calm someone else.
About the Hosts
Jessie Mertz provides therapy for children and adolescents. She believes that change and growth come from positive relationships and new experiences. During each session, Jessie works to ensure each child and family member feels heard, valued, and strengthened to overcome the challenges and obstacles they face.
Transcript
The Three R's: Regulate, Relate & Reason
Featuring Jessie Mertz, LCSW, Dakota Family Services
Tim Unsinn:
Welcome to Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services, an outpatient behavioral health clinic located in Minot, Bismarck, and Fargo, North Dakota. In this podcast, I will talk with our experts about understanding and nurturing our mental health and wellness. I'm your host, Tim Unsinn. Join me each episode as we explore the intricacies of our minds, decrease the stigma of mental illness, learn practical tips for managing our mental health and wellbeing, and recognize when it's time to ask for help. Join me now to mind your mind. Welcome to this episode of Mind Your Mind. Our guest is Jessie Mertz. Jessie is an outpatient therapist in Fargo and provides therapy for children and adolescents, ages two to 18. Jessie, great to have you on mind your mind. Our topic is the three R's-- regulate relate, reason, and we're gonna be talking about that in just a second. But first, before we get to the topic, it's a question I ask everybody, and that is, why do you do what you do?
Jessie Mertz:
Well, I really enjoy being able to help people in this capacity, and I've always thought psychology was fascinating. So to be able to use what we know about the mind and to help kids and families is just wonderful.
Tim Unsinn:
Our topic is the three R's-- regulate, relate, and reason. And as we age, that means a whole different thing to some of us, but we're gonna go into what it means in your area. So what does regulate relate and reason mean?
Jessie Mertz:
Well, that is something that Dr. Bruce Perry came up with. He does a lot of work on the brain and childhood trauma, and he essentially refers to it as the sequence of engagement. When you look at, you know, how the brain is formed, all of the information goes in at the very bottom. And that's the, the very sensory what's going on in our body, out of our body, very top of our brain is the cortex where you and I are having this conversation. We can engage in abstract thought, we can problem solve, we can be creative. So if you're working with like a kid, or even teachers, if you wanna be able to connect with them, you have to work through all of those phases first. I think we've all heard, you never can get someone to calm down by screaming calm down at them. Or if you've ever just been talking with a friend or a spouse and they immediately try to rationalize you out of whatever upsetting event you had or give you all this advice, you just become more angry because you are not ready to listen.
Jessie Mertz:
So when I think of a little kid, you know, who's throwing a tantrum, talking to them or yelling at them is not gonna pop them out of it. So the very, very first thing you have to do is to be able to regulate that behavior. For some kids, you can give them a hug or rub their back. Some kids do not want to be touched, they just want you nearby. With my own kids, I will, you know, sit near them and maybe like rub their foot a little bit. And then as they start to feel calmer, then we kind of move into the relate piece where you are far more likely to listen to someone that you believe cares about you and is connected with you. So then you can, you know, take the child and be like, wow, you were so upset that whatever happened. And as they feel understood, then they're ready to move to that next level of reason.
Tim Unsinn:
As you talked about, you know, regulating, relate, reason, it seems very simplistic, however, it seems like a technique that we need to learn versus not something most people naturally pick up on. How do, how do we get there?
Jessie Mertz:
Well, I think part of it is just letting people know this, that like, we can't just talk cortex to cortex. It has to go all the way through the lower part of the brain. So if you're already upset, if you're already stressed, you need to be able to calm down. And so a lot of that goes to adults because you have to be a regulated adult to regulate a child. And so that puts the work on our end is what do we need to do to regulate?
Tim Unsinn:
I mean this regulate, relate, reason-- what's the importance of all of it?
Jessie Mertz:
Well, ultimately it's how we can get up to that part of our brain where we can do communication and abstract thought. And you look at how we respond to stress, like, to put it bluntly, we basically get dumber when we're stressed out because that top part of our brain just shuts down and we're more in that fight flight, freeze mode. And so to be able to calm all that down is how we can then relate and share information with each other.
Tim Unsinn:
So how do we learn this stuff? I, I think of, you know, we can't yell at somebody to get them to calm down. I think of first responders, I think of police officers. I mean, in all those situations, when they come upon an accident and somebody is frantic, their first thing is not to yell at them, but they're calming them down. So there's, there's gotta be a way to learn these techniques.
Jessie Mertz:
Well, I think a lot of it is your body language, your tone of voice, right? Like if I open and I'm accepting and I'm just near you without causing any more agitation, or a lot is like the rhythmic or repetitive pattern behavior that helps calm us down. So even as simple as walking, running, swimming playing drums, doing yoga, I mean these are all different activities that can regulate us and help us to regulate others.
Tim Unsinn:
So how can I provide regulation to someone?
Jessie Mertz:
Well that is you being calm, being near them. And it depends on who you're trying to regulate. Is this someone that would want a hug to help you kind of to come in near you? Or is this someone that you would just be near? And so part of your regulation, it's called like a social contagion where if I'm around you and you're very regulated, that is gonna help me feel a little bit more regulated.
Tim Unsinn:
So for people that are listening to this right now talking about regulating relate and reason, maybe some of us are those that get hyper with a hyper person. They're not believing that this, this all works. What do you say to those people? Because for me, I've seen this in action with kids at Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch, helping each other regulate each other when you wouldn't think that would happen, but I believe it works. But what would you say to those people?
Jessie Mertz:
Well, I would say do some reading of Dr. Bruce Perry, if you want like the full background of what he's done. His most popular books are the boy who was raised as a dog and then he just has a new one with Oprah called What Happened To You? Fascinating books. But kind of the long and short of it is that lower part of our brain is where those primary stress hormones and those regulatory networks are like the dopamine, you know, don't need to get into all of that, but until that can be calmed down, it misfires up to the rest of the brain. So you have to be in a place of at least minimal regulation so you can relate with someone and then you can reason.
Tim Unsinn:
Alright, our guest on Mind Your Mind is Jessie Mertz. Jessie's an outpatient therapist in Fargo with Dakota Family Services. Any other thoughts on the three R's? It just seems like a really simplistic approach, but it seems like there's some complexity to it. Any other final thoughts on the three R's?
Jessie Mertz:
Well, you're right. It sounds like it's super easy, but again, it's really hard. Like if you're already kind of stressed out, like I think of the end of the day I'm a little stressed out, I'm a little frustrated. And then if my kids come home and they have an issue, like I am not always in the place where I can be totally calm. And you have to be aware that maybe you're not in the place to be regulated towards everyone else and take a step back, be alone, do deep breathing, you know, some of the skills that work for you 'cause it's different for everyone. So you can be another regulating adult to whoever you're with.
Tim Unsinn:
It takes a lot of work to get to some of these places and for some of us, you know, the stress, we're high on the stress level to maybe be there for somebody else, when they're at that point it's like, okay, we both can't be here. One of us has to be the adult, if you will. Right? And bring us both down. So I, I think it takes training.
Jessie Mertz:
Well and for some adults they never had that growing up either. So it's learning a new skill. That's a challenging skill when you never had it when you were younger.
Tim Unsinn:
Everybody's yelling at everybody. Right?
Jessie Mertz:
Yeah. No one's stress is going down 'cause everyone's dysregulated.
Tim Unsinn:
Alright, super. Thank you. Great topic. The three R's-- Regulate, relate, and reason. Jessie Mertz has been our guest here on Mind Your Mind, Jessie, before we wrap up, final question that we ask everyone and that is, how do you personally mind your mind?
Jessie Mertz:
Well, part of what I do to regulate is running. It's that repetitive back and forth of the movement. Obviously the endorphins are going. Also listening to music is a huge regulatory activity, but also you get the music and the running and that's just the space that I need that kind of pull me back and help me feel a little more calm.
Tim Unsinn:
Great. Jessie, thank you so much for being on Mind Your Mind. I'm sure we'll be hearing more from you, more topics to come. Thanks again. Thank you. Thank you for joining us for Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services. You can't have health without behavioral health. Remember to mind your mind. For more information, links to additional resources, contact information, and much more. Go to Dakotafamilyservices.org.
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Schizophrenia is a chronic, complex mental health disorder that affects around 1% of people in the United States. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and psychiatrist Dr. Wayne Martinsen discuss the symptoms and implications of schizophrenia, touching on its many effects on individual and family life. Learn about how schizophrenia is treated, how it affects physical health, when it tends to develop, and how it is perceived between cultures.;
How to Have a Conversation About Mental Health
Although the stigma surrounding mental health is gradually disappearing, it can still be tricky knowing how to talk about it. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and psychologist Megan Spencer explore how to have a conversation with someone about their mental health, including signs that you should talk to them, how to start the conversation, and some possible reactions to expect from the other person.;
The Benefits of Being Outside
Are you feeling cooped up indoors? Join host Tim Unsinn and therapist Lucas Mitzel in this episode of Mind Your Mind as they discuss the importance of getting outside on your mental health. Learn about the benefits of green and blue spaces, activities you can do while outside, and how being outside can help improve symptoms of different mental health diagnoses.;
Dealing With Burnout
In this episode of Mind Your Mind, Tim Unsinn talks with psychologist Dr. Hannah Baczynski about the signs of burnout, how to prevent it, and how to know if your burnout is related to general life stressors or a mental health disorder. They also talk about the difference between fatigue and burnout, as well as how to support yourself and alleviate burnout when you’re experiencing it.;
Living with Chronic Illness
Many of us know someone who has been diagnosed with a chronic illness, or have been diagnosed with one ourselves. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with therapist April Morris about how chronic illness can impact daily living and mental health, as well as how to seek support if you have been diagnosed with a chronic illness.;
Bipolar Disorder: Understanding the Highs and Lows
Although the term ‘bipolar’ is sometimes used as slang to describe someone who is moody or indecisive, true bipolar disorder is a complex and sometimes severe mental health disorder that affects the way a person thinks, feels, and behaves. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn discusses bipolar disorder with nurse practitioner Amanda Daggett, touching on what the disorder is, what its symptoms look like, and how it can be treated.;
Social Media: Managing Emotions & Setting Boundaries
How much time do you spend each day looking at your phone? An hour or two? Multiple hours? In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn meets with therapist Christy Wilkie to discuss how social media use can impact our mental health, relationships, and behavior. Learn tips for monitoring your child’s internet use, as well as how to manage your own time spent on social media.;
Understanding OCD
While OCD is sometimes perceived as simply a desire to keep things neat and organized, it can actually have much more severe symptoms for those who experience it. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn meets with psychologist Dr. Megan Spencer to talk about who Obsessive Compulsive Disorder affects, what its signs and symptoms are, and how to seek help if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with OCD.;
Breaking Bad Habits
Bad habits can be easy to start but sometimes very difficult to stop. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and therapist Falan Johnson talk about breaking bad habits, including where habits come from, how to know if a habit is bad, and steps you can take to stop it.;
Finding a Therapist
Are you looking for some help on your mental health journey? In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and therapist Jessie Mertz talk about how to find a therapist, including what you should know when searching and what questions to ask when you meet a therapist for the first time. They also touch on what the letters after a therapist’s name mean, and how they apply to the type of services or treatment you might be looking for.;
Coping with Rejection
Whether it’s from asking someone on a date or applying for a job, we all experience rejection at some point in our lives. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with therapist April Morris about how to cope with rejection, including the common coping stages, the importance of acceptance, and how rejection can impact people differently.;
Borderline Personality Disorder
Like other personality disorders, borderline personality disorder is a commonly misunderstood and stigmatized mental illness. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with Lucas Mitzel, a therapist at Dakota Family Services, about what BPD is, how it affects someone’s behavior, and where to seek treatment if your child has been diagnosed with BPD.;
Psychological Assessments: What to Expect
Do you think you might be suffering from an undiagnosed mental disorder? If so, a psychological assessment might be able to help. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, psychologist Dr. Hannah Baczynski and host Tim Unsinn talk about what to expect from a psychological assessment, including what an assessment might include, what information you might receive from the psychologist, and what you should communicate with your psychologist before and after receiving an assessment.;
Supplements in Psychiatry
In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and Amanda Daggett explore the topic of using supplements for mental health. In addition to talking about some of the most commonly used supplements like melatonin and St. John’s Wort, they also discuss the benefits, the risks, and the research surrounding various supplements.;
Seasonal Affective Disorder (Community Chat Series)
Feeling like you’ve got the winter blues? If you’re noticing symptoms of depression with the change of seasons, it may be a sign that you’re suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. In this special Community Chat episode of Mind Your Mind, therapists Christy Wilkie and Lucas Mitzel discuss the common symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, how it can affect other mental health disorders, and some useful tips, tricks, and resources for managing symptoms of SAD.;
Trying New Things With Confidence
Join Christy and Lucas, therapists at Dakota Family Services, as they share practical tips for building confidence when trying new things. From managing self-doubt to building resilience, this episode will empower you to approach new experiences with a positive mindset.;
Relationships are Hard
In this episode, Christy and Lucas explore why relationships can be so hard. Join them as they discuss the characteristics of both healthy and toxic relationships, talk about the difference between normal conflict and abuse, and help you discover your love languages so you and your partner can best express your love to each other.;
Is Everybody Anxious?
In this episode, Christy and Lucas explore anxiety. Join them as they discuss the signs and symptoms of an anxiety disorder, what you can do to decrease your anxiety, and how to best help loved ones struggling with anxiety.;
Is Everyone Feeling Sad
In this episode, Christy and Lucas explore depression. Join them as they discuss the signs and symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder, what you can do to help yourself feel better, and what you can do to help your loved ones. They will talk about coping strategies, therapy interventions, and ways to help you identify when your child might need extra help.;
Change is Hard
Change is inevitable. Join Christy and Lucas as they explore big and small changes and how they impact you. Learn why change can be so hard, even good change, and discover ways to manage it effectively.;
We Need to Talk About Suicide
In this episode of "Is It Just Me," Christy and Lucas discuss the very important topic of suicide. Listen to learn about risk factors, warning signs, and what you can do to help a loved one who is struggling. Remember, you are not alone. If you need immediate assistance, call 911. If you need to talk to someone, call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.;
Do We Need to Get Outside?
Join Lucas and Christy as they explore the power of spending time outdoors on mental and emotional well-being. Discover practical tips, personal anecdotes, and expert insights on the benefits of getting outside and reconnecting with nature.;
Exploring ADHD
In this episode of "Is It Just Me?" Lucas and Christy discuss ADHD, shedding light on its prevalence and impact on daily life. Learn practical strategies for managing symptoms and understand why your friend or loved one with ADHD does the things they do.;
Internet Safety and Mental Health
In this episode of "Is It Just Me?", join our hosts Christy and Lucas as they delve into the complex relationship between the internet and mental health. With the digital age bringing information and social connections to our fingertips, it also presents unique challenges and opportunities for our safety and psychological well-being.;
Boosting Self-Esteem: From Marathons to Daily Triumphs
In this episode of "Is It Just Me?", Christy and Lucas discuss how common it is for people to see themselves differently from others. Using their own personal triumphs and challenges as examples, they outline the things that shape our self-esteem. Additionally, they share simple daily practices to help listeners recognize and celebrate their own personal victories. This episode is filled with tips and engaging stories aimed at encouraging listeners to undertake challenges that foster self-growth and personal confidence.;
Therapy Unveiled: What to Know Before You Go
In this episode of "Is It Just Me," Lucas and Christy talk about what it's like to begin therapy. Feeling apprehensive about starting therapy is normal, but surmountable. Together, Lucas and Christy unravel common myths about therapy and emphasize the role of therapy in disrupting negative life patterns and routines that are no longer serving you.;
Coping with the Back-to-School Blues
In the latest episode of “Is It Just Me?” Christy and Lucas tackle the transition from leisurely summer days to structured school schedules with warmth and wisdom. This episode is a must-listen for parents seeking guidance and strategies to help navigate the shift with confidence. Learn how to handle changes in routine, the importance of communication, and strategies to help the entire family adjust to and embrace the new normal. Listening to this episode can be your first step toward making back-to-school a season of growth and positive change for all.;
The Art of Overcoming Trauma
In this month’s episode of the "Is It Just Me?" podcast, Lucas Mitzel and Christy Wilkie, Dakota Family Services, dive into the complexities of trauma and its therapy. The episode sheds light on Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) and the importance of creating a trauma narrative as a cornerstone of healing. The thoughtful discussions aim to educate listeners on the intricacies of trauma, the innovative methods used in therapy, and the role of caregivers in the recovery process. Through expert insights and compassionate storytelling, Lucas and Christy provide practical advice and real-world examples for individuals who have experienced trauma.;
Navigating Life Through Mindfulness
In this episode of “Is It Just Me?”, Lucas and Christy delve into the world of mindfulness and relaxation techniques. From body scans to mindfulness exercises, they provide a soothing experience to help you unwind and distress. Discover practical tips and advice on incorporating mindfulness into your daily routine and learn how to prioritize mental well-being in today's fast-paced world.;
Mindfulness: Body Scan
In this special additional episode of “Is It Just Me” join therapist Lucas Mitzel as he gives listeners a transformative journey within their own body and mind. In this episode, Lucas guides listeners through a soothing body scan to promote calm, mindfulness, and inner peace. This episode offers a unique mixdown of gentle narration, and relaxation techniques, leaving you feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and more connected to yourself.;