How to Set Clear and Healthy Boundaries
Episode Description
In this episode of Mind Your Mind, therapist April Morris talks about boundaries. April will define boundaries, explain their importance, and help you set boundaries that match your values and strengthen your relationships. Learn how healthy boundaries can improve your mental and physical health, and how you can say “no” respectfully.What to Expect
- The definition of boundaries.
- Why boundaries are important for relationships and health.
- How to say "no."
Resources: Learn More
- "Boundaries," by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
- "Set Boundaries, Find Peace. A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself," by Nedra Glover Tawwab
- "How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Close Relationships." Psychology Today Online
Things to Think About
- Does your body language match your words?
- The next time you say "no," can you give a reason?
- How has taking on too many things affected your mental and physical health?
About the Hosts
April Morris, LCSW, provides outpatient therapy for adolescents and adults age 16 and over. She uses a multi-faceted trauma-informed therapy approach including a variety of therapy techniques. She enjoys working with clients from all walks of life, and is honored to join them on their mental health journey and help them build skills to adapt to life challenges.
Transcript
How to Set Clear and Healthy Boundaries
Featuring April Morris, LCSW, Dakota Family Services
Host Tim Unsinn (00:00):
Welcome to Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services, an outpatient behavioral health clinic located in Minot, Bismarck, and Fargo, North Dakota. In this podcast, I will talk with our experts about understanding and nurturing our mental health and wellness. I'm your host, Tim Unsinn. Join me each episode, as we explore the intricacies of our minds, decrease the stigma of mental illness, learn practical tips for managing our mental health and wellbeing, and recognize when it's time to ask for help. Join me now to mind your mind.
TU (00:31):
Welcome to this episode of Mind Your Mind. Our guest is April Morris. April is an outpatient therapist in Fargo and provides therapy for those over 16, primarily adults. April, great to have you on Mind Your Mind. Our topic is boundaries. However, before we get to the topic, there's a question I ask all of our guests on Mind Your Mind, and that is why do you do what you do?
April Morris (00:55):
I think it's always been great to be supportive of everybody through their journey, and being part of that is really a humbling experience. And so anything that I can do to support others in this world, I feel like has been my calling.
TU (01:11):
Our topic is boundaries. And for that topic, I'm just simply going to ask you, because I've got to, I think I know what boundaries are, but I know you're going to correct me and tell me how it is. So what are boundaries?
AM (01:23):
Sure. So it's basically the limits and rules we set for ourselves in relationships. Most of the time, they're based on our values, and being able to say no, kind of lets others know where we're at with those values and expectations in our relationships. Ultimately, having boundaries is helpful in the sense that it does help us move towards intimacy and closer relationships when we give people some parameters, as well.
TU (01:47):
All right, set those boundaries. As long as it's clear and laid out, we should all be good.
AM (01:52):
That's right.
New Speaker (01:53):
So how do we say no?
AM (01:55):
Oh, right. So there's a lot out there as far as what some different strategies are to say, "no." I like to remind people that 75% of what we are saying is non-verbal, even up to 90%; it depends on where the statistics that you're gathering, but minimum 75%, which is pretty huge. So I think people forget that we might already be saying no without our words. So it can be really confusing to people then if we say, "Oh, I'll think about it." Or, "Let me get back to you," rather than just giving them an upfront answer that maybe that's something that we're too tied up to be able to do or something we don't want to do. So some of those tips are going to be just kind of having confident body language, eye contact, our tone of voice, being respectful, of course. You know, we don't need to yell or put people down when we say no; that's not really what it's about.
AM (02:47):
Planning ahead. You know, it can increase our confidence in a difficult situation if we can plan ahead a little bit as far as what we want to say. So they kind of say to think about you know, "I can't commit to that because..." And then give a reason. There's actually a statistic that says 34% of people are more understanding if they're given a reason. It can really kind of help clarify where you're at. So whether it's, you know, "I'm sorry, I can't, I've taken on too many projects this month. Let me see if I can connect you to somebody else." Right. So if you still want to be helpful, you can still do that and still say no. Couple other things I was thinking of that might be helpful to mention is just sometimes we can compromise. When it doesn't conflict with our values, we should listen and hear out the other person. In healthy relationships, there's compromise. It's really about you knowing what your values and boundaries are to begin with in a relationship, and then being able to express them to other people.
TU (03:49):
So what I'm hearing, two of those things that just jump out at me, are the ones that make sure you're verbalizing, don't expect the other person to read your body language and understand what you're saying. It's best to be open, honest, transparent at the front end, as opposed to leading to anxiety later on; that's a big one. And then the other one is to be thinking about, well, that person may be going to ask me something. I should, if I don't feel comfortable, have an honest reason for not doing that and being transparent in that as well. So transparency is huge in both those opportunities.
AM (04:23):
Absolutely. Cause I think even in this latter example, it's, you know, if it's something you're just not interested in, or you don't feel like it's in your wheelhouse, your comfort zone, you can just say that. You know, "That's not really an interest of mine, but hey, you know what I think maybe Susie would be someone to help you out." Like if it's a work situation or do you have any other friends that might be interested in, you know, helping you plant your garden or that would really enjoy that and just kind of encouraging them to connect different people to those different things.
TU (04:52):
Sure. Open, honest, transparent. That leads to things that aren't going to exasperate anxiety and depression. Correct?
AM (05:00):
Right. So when I was thinking about, how does this impact our anxiety and depression? Well, ultimately stress. So, you know, we take on too much. If you never say "no," your plate's too full. That leads to high anxiety and stress about how you're going to manage all those projects and get those done. How, if you can't, do you have to backtrack now and say, sorry, I couldn't get your thing, you know, done? So it can really be best to manage stress and keeping your plate to a manageable amount. Even prior to anxiety and depression, you know, resentment, anger, in addition to stress those things are all kind of precursors for anxiety and depression, too. We need to manage those things to have the best quality of life we can and try to not exacerbate or create anxiety and depression in our life.
TU (05:49):
I think we have to be thoughtful for ourselves as well because our health is important. If we're always saying yes to everything, eventually when our health is so deteriorated, we're not going to be able to help anyone, not even ourselves.
AM (06:03):
Yes, burnout is real and it impacts actually physically, right. It can impact our heart, our digestive system, our immune system, our sleep. For women, your reproductive system. I mean, stress, anxiety, depression impacts your physical health. Absolutely.
TU (06:18):
I would think your workplace as well, because if you're going to work stressed, thinking about all day long, what you, because your boundaries weren't working at the front end when somebody asked you to help them and you didn't say no right away, you're stressing all day about that thing you don't want to do after work. Your employer is not getting the best you, you're not giving your best you, so, really, boundaries are huge.
AM (06:40):
Absolutely. It decreases your productivity, production, focus, all of that at work.
TU (06:46):
Any other thoughts on boundaries on ways that we can say no with, for me, it's how do you say no, without hurting someone's feelings?
AM (06:55):
This did just kind of come up. I think that there's general fears, right? Like saying no isn't being rude. You know, you're rejecting the request, not the person, is something I try to remind people, right? You're not, it's not missing out an opportunity. You can't take on every possible opportunity. It's not going to ruin the relationship if you do it in a kind, considerate, straightforward way. So a lot of it's just managing those fears, you know, how do you do that without feeling guilty?
TU (07:24):
Explain why you can't help. And I wouldn't say if you, if you say yes, nine times that 10th time, they're not going to be mad at you for saying no.
AM (07:32):
Just like they have the right to ask for a favor, you have the right to say, no. You don't think it's weird that they would ask, it shouldn't be weird to say no.
TU (07:38):
Great topic. Glad that we you brought this up boundaries. As we wrap up this episode of Mind Your Mind, any other thoughts on boundaries before I ask you that last question?
AM (07:47):
No.
TU (07:48):
Okay. So the last question I always have for our guests, and that is, what do you do personally, to mind your mind?
AM (07:56):
I like to spend time outside. So as summer approaches, I spend weekends at the lake. I just feel much more relaxed when I can be in the moment, in nature with the sun, the sounds, just all of it. When I can't and it's winter, I might take a hot bath or listen to loud music in my car. But everybody's coping skill lists can look different. You just got to know what's what's on it.
TU (08:19):
Or loud music in the tub! That always works too.
TU (08:21):
Well April, thank you so much for your time. We appreciate you as always, your time, your talent, and sharing that with us. Again, the topic was boundaries. Feel free to listen again. Pause, listen again, pause, and feel free to share this with others as well.
TU (08:36):
Thank you for joining us for Mind Your Mind, a podcast presented by Dakota Family Services. You can't have health without behavioral health. Remember to mind your mind. For more information, links to additional resources, contact information, and much more go to dakotafamilyservices.org.
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Although the stigma surrounding mental health is gradually disappearing, it can still be tricky knowing how to talk about it. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and psychologist Megan Spencer explore how to have a conversation with someone about their mental health, including signs that you should talk to them, how to start the conversation, and some possible reactions to expect from the other person.;
The Benefits of Being Outside
Are you feeling cooped up indoors? Join host Tim Unsinn and therapist Lucas Mitzel in this episode of Mind Your Mind as they discuss the importance of getting outside on your mental health. Learn about the benefits of green and blue spaces, activities you can do while outside, and how being outside can help improve symptoms of different mental health diagnoses.;
Dealing With Burnout
In this episode of Mind Your Mind, Tim Unsinn talks with psychologist Dr. Hannah Baczynski about the signs of burnout, how to prevent it, and how to know if your burnout is related to general life stressors or a mental health disorder. They also talk about the difference between fatigue and burnout, as well as how to support yourself and alleviate burnout when you’re experiencing it.;
Living with Chronic Illness
Many of us know someone who has been diagnosed with a chronic illness, or have been diagnosed with one ourselves. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with therapist April Morris about how chronic illness can impact daily living and mental health, as well as how to seek support if you have been diagnosed with a chronic illness.;
Bipolar Disorder: Understanding the Highs and Lows
Although the term ‘bipolar’ is sometimes used as slang to describe someone who is moody or indecisive, true bipolar disorder is a complex and sometimes severe mental health disorder that affects the way a person thinks, feels, and behaves. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn discusses bipolar disorder with nurse practitioner Amanda Daggett, touching on what the disorder is, what its symptoms look like, and how it can be treated.;
Social Media: Managing Emotions & Setting Boundaries
How much time do you spend each day looking at your phone? An hour or two? Multiple hours? In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn meets with therapist Christy Wilkie to discuss how social media use can impact our mental health, relationships, and behavior. Learn tips for monitoring your child’s internet use, as well as how to manage your own time spent on social media.;
Understanding OCD
While OCD is sometimes perceived as simply a desire to keep things neat and organized, it can actually have much more severe symptoms for those who experience it. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn meets with psychologist Dr. Megan Spencer to talk about who Obsessive Compulsive Disorder affects, what its signs and symptoms are, and how to seek help if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with OCD.;
Breaking Bad Habits
Bad habits can be easy to start but sometimes very difficult to stop. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and therapist Falan Johnson talk about breaking bad habits, including where habits come from, how to know if a habit is bad, and steps you can take to stop it.;
Finding a Therapist
Are you looking for some help on your mental health journey? In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and therapist Jessie Mertz talk about how to find a therapist, including what you should know when searching and what questions to ask when you meet a therapist for the first time. They also touch on what the letters after a therapist’s name mean, and how they apply to the type of services or treatment you might be looking for.;
Coping with Rejection
Whether it’s from asking someone on a date or applying for a job, we all experience rejection at some point in our lives. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with therapist April Morris about how to cope with rejection, including the common coping stages, the importance of acceptance, and how rejection can impact people differently.;
Borderline Personality Disorder
Like other personality disorders, borderline personality disorder is a commonly misunderstood and stigmatized mental illness. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn talks with Lucas Mitzel, a therapist at Dakota Family Services, about what BPD is, how it affects someone’s behavior, and where to seek treatment if your child has been diagnosed with BPD.;
Psychological Assessments: What to Expect
Do you think you might be suffering from an undiagnosed mental disorder? If so, a psychological assessment might be able to help. In this episode of Mind Your Mind, psychologist Dr. Hannah Baczynski and host Tim Unsinn talk about what to expect from a psychological assessment, including what an assessment might include, what information you might receive from the psychologist, and what you should communicate with your psychologist before and after receiving an assessment.;
Supplements in Psychiatry
In this episode of Mind Your Mind, host Tim Unsinn and Amanda Daggett explore the topic of using supplements for mental health. In addition to talking about some of the most commonly used supplements like melatonin and St. John’s Wort, they also discuss the benefits, the risks, and the research surrounding various supplements.;
Seasonal Affective Disorder (Community Chat Series)
Feeling like you’ve got the winter blues? If you’re noticing symptoms of depression with the change of seasons, it may be a sign that you’re suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. In this special Community Chat episode of Mind Your Mind, therapists Christy Wilkie and Lucas Mitzel discuss the common symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, how it can affect other mental health disorders, and some useful tips, tricks, and resources for managing symptoms of SAD.;
Trying New Things With Confidence
Join Christy and Lucas, therapists at Dakota Family Services, as they share practical tips for building confidence when trying new things. From managing self-doubt to building resilience, this episode will empower you to approach new experiences with a positive mindset.;
Relationships are Hard
In this episode, Christy and Lucas explore why relationships can be so hard. Join them as they discuss the characteristics of both healthy and toxic relationships, talk about the difference between normal conflict and abuse, and help you discover your love languages so you and your partner can best express your love to each other.;
Is Everybody Anxious?
In this episode, Christy and Lucas explore anxiety. Join them as they discuss the signs and symptoms of an anxiety disorder, what you can do to decrease your anxiety, and how to best help loved ones struggling with anxiety.;
Is Everyone Feeling Sad
In this episode, Christy and Lucas explore depression. Join them as they discuss the signs and symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder, what you can do to help yourself feel better, and what you can do to help your loved ones. They will talk about coping strategies, therapy interventions, and ways to help you identify when your child might need extra help.;
Change is Hard
Change is inevitable. Join Christy and Lucas as they explore big and small changes and how they impact you. Learn why change can be so hard, even good change, and discover ways to manage it effectively.;
We Need to Talk About Suicide
In this episode of "Is It Just Me," Christy and Lucas discuss the very important topic of suicide. Listen to learn about risk factors, warning signs, and what you can do to help a loved one who is struggling. Remember, you are not alone. If you need immediate assistance, call 911. If you need to talk to someone, call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.;
Do We Need to Get Outside?
Join Lucas and Christy as they explore the power of spending time outdoors on mental and emotional well-being. Discover practical tips, personal anecdotes, and expert insights on the benefits of getting outside and reconnecting with nature.;
Exploring ADHD
In this episode of "Is It Just Me?" Lucas and Christy discuss ADHD, shedding light on its prevalence and impact on daily life. Learn practical strategies for managing symptoms and understand why your friend or loved one with ADHD does the things they do.;
Internet Safety and Mental Health
In this episode of "Is It Just Me?", join our hosts Christy and Lucas as they delve into the complex relationship between the internet and mental health. With the digital age bringing information and social connections to our fingertips, it also presents unique challenges and opportunities for our safety and psychological well-being.;
Boosting Self-Esteem: From Marathons to Daily Triumphs
In this episode of "Is It Just Me?", Christy and Lucas discuss how common it is for people to see themselves differently from others. Using their own personal triumphs and challenges as examples, they outline the things that shape our self-esteem. Additionally, they share simple daily practices to help listeners recognize and celebrate their own personal victories. This episode is filled with tips and engaging stories aimed at encouraging listeners to undertake challenges that foster self-growth and personal confidence.;
Therapy Unveiled: What to Know Before You Go
In this episode of "Is It Just Me," Lucas and Christy talk about what it's like to begin therapy. Feeling apprehensive about starting therapy is normal, but surmountable. Together, Lucas and Christy unravel common myths about therapy and emphasize the role of therapy in disrupting negative life patterns and routines that are no longer serving you.;
Coping with the Back-to-School Blues
In the latest episode of “Is It Just Me?” Christy and Lucas tackle the transition from leisurely summer days to structured school schedules with warmth and wisdom. This episode is a must-listen for parents seeking guidance and strategies to help navigate the shift with confidence. Learn how to handle changes in routine, the importance of communication, and strategies to help the entire family adjust to and embrace the new normal. Listening to this episode can be your first step toward making back-to-school a season of growth and positive change for all.;
The Art of Overcoming Trauma
In this month’s episode of the "Is It Just Me?" podcast, Lucas Mitzel and Christy Wilkie, Dakota Family Services, dive into the complexities of trauma and its therapy. The episode sheds light on Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) and the importance of creating a trauma narrative as a cornerstone of healing. The thoughtful discussions aim to educate listeners on the intricacies of trauma, the innovative methods used in therapy, and the role of caregivers in the recovery process. Through expert insights and compassionate storytelling, Lucas and Christy provide practical advice and real-world examples for individuals who have experienced trauma.;
Navigating Life Through Mindfulness
In this episode of “Is It Just Me?”, Lucas and Christy delve into the world of mindfulness and relaxation techniques. From body scans to mindfulness exercises, they provide a soothing experience to help you unwind and distress. Discover practical tips and advice on incorporating mindfulness into your daily routine and learn how to prioritize mental well-being in today's fast-paced world.;
Mindfulness: Body Scan
In this special additional episode of “Is It Just Me” join therapist Lucas Mitzel as he gives listeners a transformative journey within their own body and mind. In this episode, Lucas guides listeners through a soothing body scan to promote calm, mindfulness, and inner peace. This episode offers a unique mixdown of gentle narration, and relaxation techniques, leaving you feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and more connected to yourself.;